A post about new beginnings

This morning I went to a new-to-me church.  I've been struggling with church attendance for awhile now.  I really like the pastor at the church I've been attending.  I like the people.  I've had a really hard time with the music.  Music, for me, is an essential piece of church worship.  God speaks to me through music.  While I can hear God through both "traditional" and "contemporary" music, I prefer the latter.  Organ music doesn't do much for me, most of the time, and I really, really have a hard time when the music leader feels the need to explain how to worship or the meaning behind every song before allowing the words and music to speak.  I just want to sing...so when I started being intentionally late to church to avoid the music, I knew there was a problem.  A big problem.

A week ago, I went to church for the first time in a month.  I was either out of town or had something happening on Sunday that kept me home the entire Advent season.  We didn't even make it to the Christmas Eve service...side note/question, what happened to the late night Christmas Eve services?  I may have to create my own next year.  So going back to church last Sunday I was ready and hopeful.  I left church knowing it was time to find someplace where my musical soul could be filled again.

Which brings me to today and the new-to-me church.  A former Youth Minister friend is the Pastor of the church.  It meets in a local restaurant, which on Saturday nights and some Sunday afternoons can be frequented by motorcycle groups.  I went alone (which is a big deal), with two simple hopes, to feel welcomed and to begin to find God again through music.  Check and check.

I'm not sure that I'm completely ready to let go of the church I've been attending but I can safely say, I am definitely going back to the new-to-me church again.  The fact that it starts later and is only 10 minutes away from home is a big bonus.  But so was the welcome, the songs that began to wash over my soul and the words spoken that gave me a moment to examine the wounds that are still gaping open in my heart.  Today felt like a new beginning...and that is good. 

A post about nothing

Words will come back to this space eventually.  Right now they seem to reach the end of my fingertips and just stop.  Or they come out in a jumble of nonsense which I can't make heads or tails of.

In the meantime I have this one check-in.  Worship leadership happened, it was good and I can see filling in again, from time to time and I may, just may, join the team to just help fill out the vocals in a couple of weeks.  There is potential.

I'll see you somewhere down the road...

A post about music

For the first time in months, I pulled my guitar out of the case tonight.  It's been sitting at the foot of my bed for a few weeks, was propped up against the wall before that and did actually get used in December, January and February.  It's just sat, though, for the better part of these last 10 months.  I haven't really wanted to pull the guitar out of the case.  As much as music is a huge part of my connection with God, I just couldn't bring myself to play.  I didn't WANT to play.  I was tired of worship music and grieving leaving a team of people behind that helped me reach God through music on a weekly basis.

The journey of healing, of letting go of the past and looking toward the future has been a tough one on my music oriented soul.  I miss so much of what was and haven't quite found what is yet to be, that place where my soul, music and God meet.  I've had glimpses and moments of connecting, but nothing lasting.  Yet, the healing has begun.

Tomorrow night, I will walk into a church with my guitar, step up to a microphone and prepare with a group of people to lead a congregation in music on Sunday.  I wish, I wish, I could say I am excited but the fog of apathy I've been walking around with when it comes to church for a long time remains.  I'm praying, just for a day, that the fog lifts, that I'll actually feel the connection with God again in worship leadership.  I'm praying I didn't just say yes out of ego or the need for kudos.  I'm praying this was a God lead decision and will be a God lead time.  I'm praying...