Well, Hello there

 Well, hello there. It's been a hot minute. Okay, it's been months. I had good intentions of using this space frequently last June, I just didn't follow through. So, here I am again, randomly dropping in with thoughts circling my mind. Are you ready? Let's get caught up.

After a slow, hum-drum summer, September started with an impromptu - let's go to Disneyland (surprise!) trip for Yo Momma and me. We were home two weeks and then we jumped in the car for a planned trip to Yellowstone. Friends, I LOVE YELLOWSTONE. We saw elk (a little too close), bison, something that was probably an elk but we want to say was a moose, geese, Pronghorn deer, geysers and more geysers, a lake, rocks, rocks and more rocks, yellow jackets that sent us back into the car and more. We were in Yellowstone four days total and I want to go back. We went to Craters of the Moon and hiked to the top of hill, that the last time I "hiked" was on the shoulders of my Dad. I was not quite 3 then. The home trip took us to Washington State and a visit with Aunt C, Uncle K, Cousin L and Grandma. It was a good trip.

I was back to work for 7 business days and then work sent me out to New Orleans for a Tradeshow. I was VERY clear with the powers-that-be at work, that if they sent me to New Orleans, I would be taking a few extra days off because 1 1/2 hours away from New Orleans is Pearlington, Mississippi and Mr. Ben and Ms. Sue. My two days with them was too short but so wonderful and needed. I left Mississippi with a soul bursting with joy at reconnecting with Ben, Sue, Tom, the pretty house, Pearlington and Mississippi. I want to go back.

I got back to the office on a Monday and on Wednesday big things changed at work. Really big things and all that soul filling, wonderful vacation, reconnection with who I am time was gone. The last few months have been stressful, uncertain, hard, full of doubt, grief, some anger and a whole lot of frustration with a significant helping of helplessness. 

These last few months have also helped me to really see just how much of me is being stuffed down everyday with my current job. There are parts that I love, that give me moments of joy and fill my soul, but the majority of it, I just don't love. I wake up in the morning and I don't want to go back.

Those words feel dangerous. Those words are unsettling. Those words are true. Work has changed in drastic ways, yet much is the same just harder, more convoluted. The parts that I love, I REALLY love, and those parts of my job that I love have a common theme throughout each of my jobs (hint, it's about the people I work with!). I don't know what to do with that. The story is still unfolding.

Watch this space.

Watch this space. There is more to come.

I used to blog a lot. In the "hay day" of blogging, it wasn't uncommon for me to post several times a week. I also used to have a lot more time to contemplate, where my introverted self wasn't being called on to be in extrovert mode. My job was to teach, to inspire, to create messages that engaged teenagers and encouraged them to explore the world of faith. Writing came naturally, speaking came naturally but I needed time and space to find the words to best convey the message. I had that in spades and thus creativity flowed pretty easily. 

Blogging was an overflow of having time and space to think. A thought might ruminate for a day or two but once I had the moment to write, the words would usually come out quickly. Of course, there are many drafts that never made it to the light of day, but the words were typed out on the screen, even if no one else ever saw them.

I'm now in a job that requires my 90% introverted self to be 95% extroverted all day long. My day is a constant disruption, from the moment I walk in the door until everyone else leaves. Emails, calls, Teams messages, people walking in and sitting down on the couch, someone calling across the room, interaction with others is my constant. If I'm NOT disrupted for an hour, it's unusual. By the time I come home at night, my brain is tired. The half thought-out blog post that I had on my way TO work, is long gone. I have nothing else to give.

I still have a lot to say, though. It's buried underneath the layer of tiredness that is my ever-present companion. When I do have time to stop and think, that's about all I do is stop and think. Sometimes I will snap a photo and do a quick rumination of something or other on Instagram. But pulling out the computer, signing on and actually blogging...yeah, that doesn't happen. Just thinking about doing all of that wears me out. 

My heart, however, longs to get back to this space. A place where I can stretch my own thoughts. Where I'm not limited by the amount of characters. Where I can write a sentence and erase it easily because that's not what I REALLY mean. (I can't tell you how many posts I've deleted on Instagram and started over because I deleted ALL the words and not just one sentence.)

I long to get back to writing. To creating. To imagining. To exploring. To being a little daring and speaking out, even when it's scary, on things that really matter. To sharing from my soul to anothers. I'm tired of being so exhausted the everyday by the trials and tribulations of being a Customer Service Manager, that I don't have space to create.  

I don't know what to do about that, how to leap over the burden of being mentally wiped out and carving out room for my creative brain to engage with this space again. But my soul is telling me it is time. There are words that need to be "spoken", topics that need to be broached, feelings to be expressed and there is this space just sitting here waiting.

Watch this space. There is more to come.

A post about nature and me

There was a spider in my hair this morning. My hair was in it's usual half bun/half ponytail, messy from sleeping. I took out the hair tie, felt a knot of hair and thought not much of it since I was headed to the shower. Washed my hair, took my hands out of my hair and there was something stuck on one hand that wasn't hair. I reacted like any startled person should, I violently shook my hand and off flung a spider...dead. It went down the shower drain. I have no idea if the spider crawled in during the night or got stuck in there when I was briefly doing yard work last evening. All I know is there was a spider in my hair and I've been grossed out all day long. I've felt like something was crawling on me and my head has itched. I remembered hearing stories of the spiders that somehow lay their eggs under peoples skin and, eventually, when the eggs hatch a spider emerges from.the.human, which has me a little paranoid! NO, NO, NO!! (Pretty sure this happened to the sister of one of my friends. She was living in Africa at the time, but still!)

The night before the skunk visited our house. It was outside, but I sleep with a window cracked open and that stinker made itself known about 10pm. I was closing windows, lighting candles, turning the air purifier on high and basically doing anything I could to get the smell of skunk out of the house. I finally blew out the candle (cause we all know it's not okay to go to sleep with a candle burning!) and went to sleep about 11:30pm only to have the phone ring at midnight. Phones ringing at midnight in my house means bad news...or, in this case, the stupid junk fax people that keep trying to fax to our home phone. Of course, I was awake then. I got back to sleep after 1:30am only to wake up at 3am, because, well I have no idea. I got back to sleep about 4:30am and then the alarm went off at 5:45am. I was kind of a mess at work on Monday.

Some parts of nature and I are not getting along these days. But then there is nature on the deck that I'm getting along well with. Beautiful daffodils, freshly potted pansies, violas and petunias. Plus the cool new solar fountain I got for Christmas and the other plants that are starting to come back after winter. The front deck is my happy place in nature these days. OH and we had a visitor back in February that we caught on camera. Unfortunately this visitor brought an unwilling guest...but hey, that's nature!

The road to blogging again starts with a sentence...or maybe two

The words that seem to flow easily through my head in the car or in the shower tend to stop as I get to this page and the blinking cursor. That is, if I make it to a computer at all. Blogging on a cellphone or on a tablet just doesn't work for me. I need the clicking of a keyboard, my fingers working and back and forth spilling out my thoughts onto a blank, white page. But turning on a computer at night, after a long day of work isn't always appealing. So the thoughts, the words, the blog post ideas, wither away within my brain.

13 blog posts sit as drafts. On the rare moments when I sit down watch the cursor flash on this blank page, I get only so far and then I lose momentum. I can't find an ending. Wrapping up my thoughts seems to be too difficult, require too much energy and so I hit "save" and another draft is racked up.

Spending time writing is one more thing that has taken a back seat to work. Writing used to be something that I did for work. Passionate words about God and Faith and Jesus that flowed from my heart. My words weren't always written on a page but written in my heart and spoken to ears that needed to hear. Now, the words I write are about office supplies. They don't really come from my heart and, though I am an office supply junkie, I'm not really passionate about them. Somewhere in this journey of life, I wandered away from writing, and I want to get back there again.

And so, the road to blogging, the road back to writing starts now. With one sentence, and then another, and another, and another...

A post about getting older

In about 35 hours I will officially turn another year older. For the past few years I've been noticing changes that are occurring within me. The signs are all pointing to peri-menopause or pre-menopause or whatever you want to call it. Most things I just take as they are. Hot flashes - got 'em, hate 'em but it's not the end of the world. Weight gain...that's nothing new. New wrinkles, sagging areas of flesh, wiry hairs on my chin, achy joints, check, check, check and check. Gray hair, well, that's what hair dye is for and exploring new colors has been fun! That "time of the month" coming closer together but shorter in length, it's annoying but, eh. It's all a part of the deal and I know I'm not alone.

There are two things, though, that have caused me to pause and internally stress during this peri-menopause phase of life - hormone surges and memory loss.

I noticed the memory loss a few years back. I would be mid-sentence and suddenly realize that I couldn't remember a word that I wanted to use. I could visualize the word, I just could not come up with the word. As I came closer to needing to say the word, my mind would race trying to fit the word into the picture in my head of what I wanted to say. The more I stressed over trying to find the word, the more elusive the word would be and I would wind up saying things like, "you know that animal that has four legs, pointed ears, whiskers and chases mice" instead of "cat" because I could not come up with the word cat.  C.A.T...CAT! All my life, words have been important to me. I love stringing them together in spaces such as this, sharing my thoughts and feelings. I loved the times when I was able to preach and share the inspiration and faith I had found in Jesus and the Bible with others. I take words seriously and have worked to use my words for good. So the fact that mid-sentence I suddenly couldn't come up with a very simple, every day word, jostled my confidence. I can handle a lot. Losing simple words is pushing my "what I can handle" limits.

This year I've noticed the hormone surges. Serious hormone surges that seemingly come out of nowhere and take me to the edge of feeling out of control. I've noticed a tendency to get so very angry over nothing. Or I operate at a near state of tears. It's PMS on steroids. I've always been a pretty sensitive person, but the hormone surges have taken me beyond sensitive. Add in hot flashes and this sensitive, controlled person becomes an out of control, hot mess...literally.

As I turn another year older, I anticipate this only getting worse. I'm not sure how long this whole peri-menopause/menopause thing is going to last. So if you see me and I'm struggling to finish a sentence, alternating between anger and sadness, and sweating profusely, just know the moment will pass. I'll figure out the word, my emotions will return to normal and my body temperature will cool...it just may take a few days. I'm just getting older. 

A post on being single

Being single has its perks. There is a lot of freedom to choose how I spend my days, my money, where I expend energy and who I choose to have as friends...plus more. Being single also has its drawbacks. I am solely responsible for how I choose to spend my days, my money, where I expend energy and who I choose to have as friends...plus more. It's a catch 22.

One really tough part of being single, and childless, is going places alone. I am a true introvert, so going to events solo just about does me in...and honestly, sometimes I just don't go because, well, small talk and people. If I know there will be friends there to be my safety net, aka people I don't have to make small talk with, then I can convince myself to go somewhere alone. Otherwise, it's a no-go. Just thinking about having to make small talk causes my brain to shut down. I just don't.do.small.talk.well and people wear me out.

Going places alone, where I might not actually have to talk to people, then, shouldn't be so bad, right? Wrong. There are still people. People who might look at me wandering alone through, say, the zoo and wonder why I'm alone at the zoo. Like it's really anyone's business. Nor are people actually looking at me because they are involved in their own experience at the zoo. Plus, what does it matter if a complete stranger I will probably never see again thinks it's odd that I'm at the zoo alone? But yet, there it is. Yes, I am a convoluted human being.

When I found myself in a pretty serious downward spiral this past weekend, I knew that I needed to get myself out of the house or depression would overtake me. My adventure friend, Mom, was out of town and I needed to make a quick decision, so I got myself together, got in the car and went to the aquarium...gulp...alone. I've been a member of the aquarium for a year, so it wasn't like I was doing something super extravagant. (Side note, saying I am a member of the aquarium makes me feel very, very grown up. Sometimes my brain forgets that I AM a grown-up.)

I got there late in the afternoon and had three hours to enjoy the aquarium. I sat and watched a sea turtle chase fish around the Deep Sea exhibit. I wandered through and admired the jellyfish. I staked out a good spot to watch a scuba diver feed the fish and leopard sharks in the Kelp Forest. I looked for California Halibut hiding in the sand of the tide exhibit. I visited with the penguins, sea otters and the giant sea bass (seriously that thing is huge!). I watched an octopus play with a ball in it's exhibit and marveled at how they can change colors and blend in to their surroundings. I wandered, for three hours, alone and only spoke to the employee at the entrance and the employee in the gift shop. It was lovely.

After the aquarium closed, I walked down a path to the ocean, where I stood and watched Harbor Seals sleep. It wasn't very exciting. I didn't stay long. Then, I headed back to my car and went home.

You know what I noticed in my time at the aquarium? There were other people there alone, too. I didn't wonder why they were alone. I didn't really pay a whole lot of attention to them. I did my own thing and worked really, really hard to focus on something besides all the fear, anxiety, stress and crap racing through my brain. I won't deny, several times I had to push back the tears that threatened, as thoughts I was trying to keep at bay rushed to the surface. But overall, the trip did the trick. The downward spiral slowed.

As I drove home, I started thinking, of places that I wanted to go that I normally would choose to go with someone else. What was stopping me from going to Disneyland alone? The answer? Nothing...well, except for Saturdays that are blocked out for the type of Disneyland pass I have and work. But after my afternoon at the aquarium, I may just figure out a way to make it happen. 😉

A post about dreams

I had dreams, when I was younger. Ideas about how life would be. There was a husband, children, nieces and nephews. I would enjoy my parents as they grew old together. In my mind, I was always a teacher - a kindergarten teacher. In my dreams for the future there was hope, happiness, contentment and purpose.

The reality of life is so much different. The husband and children have yet to manifest themselves, and with all that is changing within my body, some dreams of children grow slimmer each day. My Dad's life ended much sooner than any of us imagined. My teaching days weren't in a classroom but in a church "basement", with middle school and high school youth and involved so much more than teaching. Those days are years behind now.  It was my choice to move on, well, there was a "voice" that I heard pretty clear telling me it was time for change and I listened to that voice. I don't regret that decision...but I do miss those days.

I do have a biological niece and lots of nephews-of-the-heart. I was content with life...once upon a time. Content didn't always mean happy, I have learned. Content simply means content. Content is a distant memory, right now.

The Disney movie Inside Out came out the summer my Dad died. The movie centered around  a young girl as she deals with her new reality of life. The majority of the movie is told from the perspective of her emotions - Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear, and Disgust. There is one point where her state of discontent, disillusionment, deaden her emotions and her emotional headquarters goes gray. Everything is viewed through a cloud of gray. I remember sitting in the movie theater, watching that scene, trying really, really hard to keep myself together and not just sob loudly and hysterically. Everything about that scene resonated with my soul. Reflected on the screen was my own inner state of being.

I moved out of that state for awhile, but lately the gray has started to creep back in. Contentment is nowhere to be found. Passion, happiness, hope...those feelings are hiding. I'm going through the motions of life. Right now, everything looks and feels gray.

Everyone once in a while I look around and wonder, what happened to all the dreams I had?  Did I somehow miss the boat, or train or helicopter or plane or car or horse or whatever clue I was supposed to catch to make my dreams come true? I wonder what I've done wrong. Maybe I didn't listen close enough to the instructor and wandered down a path I wasn't supposed to take. What happened to my dreams?

Then I start to wonder, what is my purpose?  I want to be useful, do something that makes a difference in the world. I am grateful to have a job but it's a job. I don't come home at night feeling like the world is a better place because I sold office products. It's a means to an end. Why am I here? I know that I'm not the first person to ask that question nor will I be the last.

My younger self had dreams. They were good dreams. They were the dreams that every younger self needs. Dreams of  happiness, hope, contentment and purpose. Some dreams have yet to be realized. Some dreams have been lost along the way. Some dreams became reality and I am forever grateful for the memories.

Tonight, my soul is longing for new dreams. Dreams that move me out of the state of gray and back into a world of color. I am longing for new dreams to mingle with the old, to stir in my soul and bring me to a place of happiness, contentment, purpose and hope again. 

A post about new-old beginnings and blogs

On my 40th birthday, a friend gave me this wall hanging.

I liked it then but I wasn't ready for it.  Today it has new meaning.  I wasn't ready to grow, reach, heal, to be soulful or vulnerable, to say yes to change, joy and beginnings then, but I am ready now. 

This blog has been in existence for a few years, though I haven't blogged regularly here and only a select few knew it existed.  When I was thinking about transitioning to some place new, I took another look here and thought this, this is the place I want to "be". 

So welcome to my new-to-most-of-you home. 

Two things to note:

Comment moderation has been turned on.  If you want to comment, it won't show up until I approve the comment.  And I reserve the right to publish or not publish comments.

I'll blog just as infrequently as in the past and be the me that has evolved over the last few years.  I have lost some filters but I am always aware of the audience that could potentially read these posts.  If I get political and you don't agree, feel free to skip that blog post.  If I swear, well, that is the real me.

See you somewhere down the road...  

How are you?

*I honestly don't know when this blog was started...probably back in August.  Finishing it tonight...just look for the "*".  That's where I pick up the story.*

"How are you doing?"

I seriously hate that question.  My standard answer is "fine" but it's mostly a lie.  Not fine is a more apt description.  Just coasting is a better description.

I had coffee with a friend a few weeks ago.  We talked about life and our mutual not-fine-ness and I wrote about it on my other blog.  Last week I happened to be driving by the coffee shop, saw his car and decided that is where I wanted to be that day.  So we had coffee again.  One of his first comments to me was, "so you know that blog post"...yeah, I know, I'm really not fine.

Friday I washed the gray out of my hair and had a 2 hour therapy session with my Friend/Hair stylist.  I went into the time knowing I wasn't fine and came out still knowing I wasn't fine but also knowing I wasn't alone in my struggles with life.  Hal-le-frickin-lu-jah.

Why am I saying any of this on blog where people can read it and then worry about my not-fine-ness?  It's not to have people tell me how to be fine, or analyze my problems or tell me they are worrying.  If I was asking for any of that, this post would be on the other blog where more people visit and tend to comment.  No, what I really need is to just say, "out loud", that I am not fine.

*I'm coasting.  I'm putting one foot in front of the other.  I go to work.  I go to work at my other job.  I go to youth group.  I go home.  I try really hard not to expect too much from other people and expect a lot of myself.  I don't hate my job but I don't love it.  I'm tired of the commute.  I'm stressed about money and Christmas and wondering who thought it was okay to have four national holidays in the span of two months (I'm blaming people who are on salary and get paid days off, not someone who gets paid by the hours worked with no paid holidays.)  I'm not fine.  I'm not awful.  I'm in between, in limbo, in a seemingly endless transition to I-don't-know-what-or-where.  I'm decidedly not fine.

But for the record, the next time anyone asks, "How are you?" my response will be, "I'm fine."

A post about hiding

Do you ever have moments where you just want to hide?  I was going to write "hide under a rock" but that statement doesn't really make sense.  There is no hiding under a rock for this girl...I would be seen.

I have favorite places to hide.  My room is one.  It does kind of resemble a cave at times, especially at this time of the year when the light is harder to find and the cool air streams through the window.  It's one of my favorite hiding places.

I like to hide in Tahoe.  I've found a couple of places, close to the water where I can hear the waves lapping against the rocks, with some sun and some shade.  They aren't the most comfortable places unless I bring my own chair but they are calming, quieting, places where I can find God.

I've found a new place to hide.  A place to be in the same building, worshiping with people but a place where I can hide just the same.  It's in the balcony.  High up above the main floor, where I can sing, where I can listen, where I can use my cell phone to send text messages if the sermon is really boring, where I can chew gum and blow bubbles and not have anybody see me.

I also like to hide in plain sight.  Be there, with people, but not really joining in the moment.  I do that a lot.  It's not healthy, to be honest.  It's a protective mode, keeping myself "hidden" from the people around me so they don't really see all that is going on beneath the surface.  It's a mess under there.

Which is really the problem, right now.  There's a mess under the surface of the exterior of me.  There's a disconnect.  It's something that has been growing and growing and growing, getting so large and overwhelming.  I want to deal with it and yet, I just don't want to either.  So I'm in hiding, of sorts, trying to keep one foot in front of the other, nodding and smiling at the right moments but just feeling numb on the inside, distracted, disconnected and just tired.

Here I am...

































and here is God.

We've been here before, God and I.  God hasn't left me, I haven't really left God.  There is just this wide chasm in me that feels miles apart from God...and I'm not really sure what I want to do about that.

I'm in hiding.  Sitting at the top of the balcony, watching the goings on, not really participating, if I'm honest, and not really sure that I want to participate all that much.  I'll just sit up there, chew my bubble gum and blow bubbles, all the while wondering where to go from here.

A post about things I wish

Things I wish:

• To be able to ride the bus and read a book at the same time.  There are an awful lot of books on my bookshelf I want to read and 3 hours a day I could be reading.
• I was a little more of an auditory learner...thus my wish to read on the bus.
• Christian Churches would be more about love and grace than condemnation and disgrace.
• That the church would let go of the theology which says you deserve the bad things that happen in life because of bad choices made.  Sometimes shit happens, people, and it's not fair, doesn't make sense, we haven't brought it on ourselves because of choices and it f*ing hurts.
• That the 2012 election year would be done already.  I've had enough.
• For debts to be paid off...mine and others.
• To win the lottery or somehow become independently wealthy so that...
• I could spend a lot more time helping people. (Missing Mississippi today.)
• For the office with a window that looks out over the fountain.
• One more hour in the day.
• To find peace, once again, in singleness...
• Or the ability to stop wondering if that person might be...
• For grace in my humanness...got that one already.
• To be happy, truly happy, again.

A post about hurricanes

I can say with absolute certainty that a hurricane changed my life.  Being a California girl, some would look at me with a questioning tilt of their head but it is the absolute truth.  A hurricane changed my life.

The hurricane didn't destroy my home.  It didn't wash away my belongings.  I didn't lose a family member or a friend.  I never lost power.  My car was fine.  I wasn't even evacuated from my home.  All the things you might think of with those words "a hurricane changed my life" didn't happen to me.  They happened to other people.  The devastation from that hurricane was astronomical.  The ripple effects are still being felt today, 7 years later.

Unlike the hurricane that tore apart the lives of so many, the hurricane actually made my life more complete.

• Because of a hurricane I found a passion and a calling I otherwise would have ignored.  
• Because of a hurricane, I made friends in an area I would never have know existed before.  
• Because of a hurricane I have learned how to build stairs, build decks, build ramps, dig post holes, cement in posts (but please, don't ask me to level those stinkin' posts), hang drywall, tear out drywall, mud and tape, silicone holes in siding, scrape paint, pull out really old electrical boxes without swearing, lay peel-and-stick tiles, pull up peel-and-stick tiles and demo houses and structures.  
• Because of a hurricane I can drive you from New Orleans to Waveland without missing a beat.  I know the back way too.
• Because of a hurricane I know what a King Cake tastes like, why po'boys are so addicting and I've ate my way through a pile of crawfish.
• Because of a hurricane I know what a "haint" is and why the porch ceilings in the South are painted blue...and some homes.  
• Because of hurricane I made friends with a man who is as far apart politically from me as he could possibly get and we like each other anyway.  Not just like, I love and deeply respect him and I am pretty sure he would say the same thing about me.  
• Because of a hurricane I came to love an area so much I've actually looked for jobs there.
• Because of a hurricane I have a gold medal.  Un-freakin-believable.
• Because of a hurricane I look at the weather reports a little differently and I definitely pay more attention from June to November.

Yep, I can say with certainty that a hurricane changed my life...for the better.

A post about life right now

I come to this page and I stop.  I look at the cursor blinking, waiting to be moved from one space to another.  I see the empty page, the blank post title line and I want to write something, I really do.  I want to pull words from my heart, soul and mind, move them through my arms to my fingertips and the words appear on the screen in some semblance of order.  I really do.

Yet, I come to this page and I stop.  I watch the blinking cursor and the words won't come.  The thoughts are there, the frustrations and the joys, the things that nag at my brain, pull my heart, create anxiety or joy within my soul.  The thoughts, though, don't seem to make it from my brain, heart or soul down my arms to my fingertips to this page.  They stop, they stagnate and I find myself staring at a blank page wondering what my point was, why was I writing, what was I writing, does anyone really care about any of this, am I just whining (because that's a totally different blog), do I want to see this through to the end of the thought?  Within seconds the decision is made, the close button is hit, the box that pops up that says "do you want to save this" is ignored and I sign back out.

Writers block?  Maybe.  The more likely story is the unsettling in my soul, the part of me recognizing I am on this path by choice, yet also aware there should be more, there needs to be more, I was made for more than what is now.  This is what I wanted and yet...and yet...and yet I want more.  I want to be more, do more...and I don't want to whine about being here now.

So I come to this page and I stop.  The cursor blinks, waiting to be moved from one space to another.  I wait for the words to flow and give up and hit close. 

A post where I don't think about breathing

It's been a week and a half since my doctors visit and a week and a half since I've been on an inhaler daily.  Can I just say wow.  Wow, wow, wow.  I realized just a few minutes ago that my chest hasn't been tight all day long.

I'm so used to waking up in the middle of the night trying to catch my breath or listening to the sound of my chest rattling or the incessant wheezing.  This was definitely a good move.  I've been up and down the stairs at home all day and not once have I been out of breath.  Hallelujah.

So, not thinking about breathing has me thinking about a lot of different things.  The number one thought has been about the future.  I feel like there should be an echo there.  The future...future...future...future.  I'm more and more convinced the job I currently hold is not the job I want to stay in the rest of my life.  I know, without a doubt, there is more church work for me in the future.  I know, as easily as I breathe these days, that I was made to be a part of the church and most likely employed by a church.  What that role might be, I still have no idea, though other people are quick to tell me what role they envision me in...yeah, I don't see it but I could still have blinders on.

I do know that God is moving and working in my life, despite me.  I do know I made the right choice a year ago to leave my comfort zone and leap off the cliff, so to speak.  That is enough for now.

A post about breathing

There are things that I tend to keep hidden, not wanting to worry others or just not wanting the attention these things might bring.

For a few months I've been having some breathing issues.  It started in earnest in February.   Every night I would go to sleep and wake myself up in the middle of the night because I was wheezing.  Some nights were really bad, other nights just mildly annoying.  I started hearing a rattling in my chest about a month ago and then I went for a walk with a friend on the beach and literally thought my lungs were going to close in on me.  I know I'm out of shape, but that was ridiculous.

Yesterday I went in to see the Doctor.  She is awesome, AWESOME, and within 10 minutes I was out the door with a sample of an daily inhaler because, gee, I just might have asthma.  Maybe allergic asthma, that hasn't been completely decided yet.  She called in a prescription for a rescue inhaler and for a nasal allergy spray as well.  YES!

Last night I took my first dose of the daily inhaler.  I went to bed and woke up this morning about 6:15am...and realized I hadn't wheezed the ENTIRE NIGHT!  Praise Jesus!  This morning I'm realizing that the rattle is gone as well.  I'm going to wait a few days before I go down to the gym in my office building and test out my lungs there...but I know have a rescue inhaler so even then, it's not as dicey as before!

I still don't want people to worry.  I still want to keep things hidden, but I'm so grateful to be able to breathe again I just have to say in this public forum, I love my Doctor!


Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

A post to begin a blog

One of the things I have learned through my life is to be very careful, moderated, deliberate, thoughtful about what I say.  Be it words on paper, Internet or spoken, I've learned words matter.

One of the things I have learned through my life is my thoughts and ideas are not necessarily others thoughts or ideas.  I have my own set of opinions on life which others may or may not agree with.

One of the things I have learned through my life is I don't like confrontation.  By moderating my words and remembering others think differently than I do, I have found I can usually avoid a LOT of confrontation.

Imagine my surprise, one day, when someone in my life looked at me and said, "You are so confrontational!".  I thought they were being sarcastic for a split second.  They were serious.

I've lived my life working to be open, to be moderate, to keep the peace, to present my case in ways which bring people together, in other words, I've worked really hard all my life to be liked.  To be called confrontational, well, it rocked my world.

Something has happened, between that moment and now.  Actually, many somethings have happened between that moment and now.  Life has changed.  I have changed, though part of me wonders if I have really changed or if I have finally given myself permission to be me.  With all my thoughts, feelings, opinions and words.

The time has come to speak my mind.  The time has come to employ all those attributes of my personality as well as the part of me that is increasingly, well, confrontational.

I begin this new blog, this new space, with a desire to be true to myself, true to my thoughts, feelings and opinions without a desire to please everyone.  I begin this new blog looking down the road, wondering where I am going, appreciative for where I've been, with many, many questions and opinions ready to roll off my tongue...okay, fingertips.  :)