When I turned the corner it was noticeable...at least to me. Others may not have caught on but all of a sudden I went from feeling like there was no hope anywhere to feeling peaceful. Not happy, still quick to tears, still finding it hard to believe that this isn't all a really bad dream...but better. I'd been waiting for better.
Grief is an individual state of being. We all go through the highs and lows at different times. I can move from laughter to tears without even blinking. Being the private person I am, I tend to not want to share everything with everybody all the time. I've drifted off into a corner by myself, needing to work through the emotions, the waves of regrets and sadness, the misty-eyed bittersweet memories, the unconscionable pain of missing my Dad...my friend. There are some who have understood that need to curl up by myself and allow the emotions to play. There are some who haven't understood at all.
What I have learned about grief, that I knew but didn't know, was how much of an individual process it truly is, how long it can take to feel semi-okay again and how some people just don't get it. My favorite question came from a friend who asked, just 20 days after my Dad died, "So, are you over it yet?" I didn't take offense. My filter was not on and I laughed at him and told him, no, I would never be over it. He couldn't relate at the time. Unfortunately, he can relate now.
The journey of grief that I continue to traverse is filled with highs and lows, ups and downs and unexpected turns. My Mom and I are remodeling the kitchen, which means all the cabinets that my Dad built are being removed. I didn't think about it until my Uncle came over to look at the kitchen floor and made a comment about how well the cabinets were built. He left and I broke down. Taking those cabinets means letting go of another piece of my Dad. I was sharing that story with a friend and she looked at me and said "but there are still so many things in the house that your Dad built!". She didn't get it. It doesn't matter how much is still left, every little piece I let go hurts. It's another acknowledgement that he is never coming back. (The kitchen is still being remodeled...my Uncle is taking the cabinets.)
So, on it goes. The ups and the downs, the laughter and the tears. The sweet memories and the regrets. Old kitchen cabinets are removed, new cabinets are brought in and time moves on.and grief remains.
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
Tuesday, April 17, 2018
A post on being single
Being single has its perks. There is a lot of freedom to choose how I spend my days, my money, where I expend energy and who I choose to have as friends...plus more. Being single also has its drawbacks. I am solely responsible for how I choose to spend my days, my money, where I expend energy and who I choose to have as friends...plus more. It's a catch 22.
One really tough part of being single, and childless, is going places alone. I am a true introvert, so going to events solo just about does me in...and honestly, sometimes I just don't go because, well, small talk and people. If I know there will be friends there to be my safety net, aka people I don't have to make small talk with, then I can convince myself to go somewhere alone. Otherwise, it's a no-go. Just thinking about having to make small talk causes my brain to shut down. I just don't.do.small.talk.well and people wear me out.
Going places alone, where I might not actually have to talk to people, then, shouldn't be so bad, right? Wrong. There are still people. People who might look at me wandering alone through, say, the zoo and wonder why I'm alone at the zoo. Like it's really anyone's business. Nor are people actually looking at me because they are involved in their own experience at the zoo. Plus, what does it matter if a complete stranger I will probably never see again thinks it's odd that I'm at the zoo alone? But yet, there it is. Yes, I am a convoluted human being.
When I found myself in a pretty serious downward spiral this past weekend, I knew that I needed to get myself out of the house or depression would overtake me. My adventure friend, Mom, was out of town and I needed to make a quick decision, so I got myself together, got in the car and went to the aquarium...gulp...alone. I've been a member of the aquarium for a year, so it wasn't like I was doing something super extravagant. (Side note, saying I am a member of the aquarium makes me feel very, very grown up. Sometimes my brain forgets that I AM a grown-up.)
I got there late in the afternoon and had three hours to enjoy the aquarium. I sat and watched a sea turtle chase fish around the Deep Sea exhibit. I wandered through and admired the jellyfish. I staked out a good spot to watch a scuba diver feed the fish and leopard sharks in the Kelp Forest. I looked for California Halibut hiding in the sand of the tide exhibit. I visited with the penguins, sea otters and the giant sea bass (seriously that thing is huge!). I watched an octopus play with a ball in it's exhibit and marveled at how they can change colors and blend in to their surroundings. I wandered, for three hours, alone and only spoke to the employee at the entrance and the employee in the gift shop. It was lovely.
After the aquarium closed, I walked down a path to the ocean, where I stood and watched Harbor Seals sleep. It wasn't very exciting. I didn't stay long. Then, I headed back to my car and went home.
You know what I noticed in my time at the aquarium? There were other people there alone, too. I didn't wonder why they were alone. I didn't really pay a whole lot of attention to them. I did my own thing and worked really, really hard to focus on something besides all the fear, anxiety, stress and crap racing through my brain. I won't deny, several times I had to push back the tears that threatened, as thoughts I was trying to keep at bay rushed to the surface. But overall, the trip did the trick. The downward spiral slowed.
As I drove home, I started thinking, of places that I wanted to go that I normally would choose to go with someone else. What was stopping me from going to Disneyland alone? The answer? Nothing...well, except for Saturdays that are blocked out for the type of Disneyland pass I have and work. But after my afternoon at the aquarium, I may just figure out a way to make it happen. 😉
One really tough part of being single, and childless, is going places alone. I am a true introvert, so going to events solo just about does me in...and honestly, sometimes I just don't go because, well, small talk and people. If I know there will be friends there to be my safety net, aka people I don't have to make small talk with, then I can convince myself to go somewhere alone. Otherwise, it's a no-go. Just thinking about having to make small talk causes my brain to shut down. I just don't.do.small.talk.well and people wear me out.
Going places alone, where I might not actually have to talk to people, then, shouldn't be so bad, right? Wrong. There are still people. People who might look at me wandering alone through, say, the zoo and wonder why I'm alone at the zoo. Like it's really anyone's business. Nor are people actually looking at me because they are involved in their own experience at the zoo. Plus, what does it matter if a complete stranger I will probably never see again thinks it's odd that I'm at the zoo alone? But yet, there it is. Yes, I am a convoluted human being.
When I found myself in a pretty serious downward spiral this past weekend, I knew that I needed to get myself out of the house or depression would overtake me. My adventure friend, Mom, was out of town and I needed to make a quick decision, so I got myself together, got in the car and went to the aquarium...gulp...alone. I've been a member of the aquarium for a year, so it wasn't like I was doing something super extravagant. (Side note, saying I am a member of the aquarium makes me feel very, very grown up. Sometimes my brain forgets that I AM a grown-up.)
I got there late in the afternoon and had three hours to enjoy the aquarium. I sat and watched a sea turtle chase fish around the Deep Sea exhibit. I wandered through and admired the jellyfish. I staked out a good spot to watch a scuba diver feed the fish and leopard sharks in the Kelp Forest. I looked for California Halibut hiding in the sand of the tide exhibit. I visited with the penguins, sea otters and the giant sea bass (seriously that thing is huge!). I watched an octopus play with a ball in it's exhibit and marveled at how they can change colors and blend in to their surroundings. I wandered, for three hours, alone and only spoke to the employee at the entrance and the employee in the gift shop. It was lovely.
After the aquarium closed, I walked down a path to the ocean, where I stood and watched Harbor Seals sleep. It wasn't very exciting. I didn't stay long. Then, I headed back to my car and went home.
You know what I noticed in my time at the aquarium? There were other people there alone, too. I didn't wonder why they were alone. I didn't really pay a whole lot of attention to them. I did my own thing and worked really, really hard to focus on something besides all the fear, anxiety, stress and crap racing through my brain. I won't deny, several times I had to push back the tears that threatened, as thoughts I was trying to keep at bay rushed to the surface. But overall, the trip did the trick. The downward spiral slowed.
As I drove home, I started thinking, of places that I wanted to go that I normally would choose to go with someone else. What was stopping me from going to Disneyland alone? The answer? Nothing...well, except for Saturdays that are blocked out for the type of Disneyland pass I have and work. But after my afternoon at the aquarium, I may just figure out a way to make it happen. 😉
Thursday, March 3, 2016
A post about starting a new job
Starting a new job is stressful. After almost 4 years in my previous position, I went into work every day confident I could handle any problem that was thrown my way. I knew my way around the different web-based systems that I used. I became prolific in "Rotary-ese". I did my job well. Just hated the commute.
I've been at my new job 9 work days. I feel like a fish out of water, and not the cute one from Chicken Little who wore a helmet filled with water even though we was walking around the planet. He could still breathe. I get pockets of air, here or there, but by in large, I'm struggling to breathe. But I love the commute!
I'm learning a new language. Actually, I'm learning several new languages all at once. There's the office product language, the sales language and the web-based entry systems language. I've taken in so much information in the last 9 days my brain is on overload. I'm learning how to negotiate the different personalities that I interact with on a daily basis. I went from an office of one, with one person that I really took my cues from, to an office where I have three-four different people that I ultimately report to, 4 people who report to me and many other who are in and out and around all the time. It's exhausting. Seriously, exhausting.
Today was a tough day. There are many moving pieces that keep this company moving and two major pieces broke down, today, causing a hailstorm of problems. Plus, we were missing a key team player, which left me struggling to fill in her shoes, not knowing what to do and feeling like I was failing with each step. When the clock struck 5pm, the computers were shut down and the building was emptied within 5 minutes. I do not joke. I came home, and collapsed on my bed. A bottle of Angry Orchard Cinnful Apple, a little Chex Mix, the comfort of mindless TV and a comfy chair and I'm feeling a little more centered and ready to tackle another day.
My hope is that today's problems don't replicate tomorrow, that tomorrow is relatively problem free and that Friday at 5pm comes quickly because I am ready for a weekend break! I'll get through these challenges. I'll figure out my place in this new company and one day I will have a handle on all these new languages. I'm looking forward to that day!
I've been at my new job 9 work days. I feel like a fish out of water, and not the cute one from Chicken Little who wore a helmet filled with water even though we was walking around the planet. He could still breathe. I get pockets of air, here or there, but by in large, I'm struggling to breathe. But I love the commute!
I'm learning a new language. Actually, I'm learning several new languages all at once. There's the office product language, the sales language and the web-based entry systems language. I've taken in so much information in the last 9 days my brain is on overload. I'm learning how to negotiate the different personalities that I interact with on a daily basis. I went from an office of one, with one person that I really took my cues from, to an office where I have three-four different people that I ultimately report to, 4 people who report to me and many other who are in and out and around all the time. It's exhausting. Seriously, exhausting.
Today was a tough day. There are many moving pieces that keep this company moving and two major pieces broke down, today, causing a hailstorm of problems. Plus, we were missing a key team player, which left me struggling to fill in her shoes, not knowing what to do and feeling like I was failing with each step. When the clock struck 5pm, the computers were shut down and the building was emptied within 5 minutes. I do not joke. I came home, and collapsed on my bed. A bottle of Angry Orchard Cinnful Apple, a little Chex Mix, the comfort of mindless TV and a comfy chair and I'm feeling a little more centered and ready to tackle another day.
My hope is that today's problems don't replicate tomorrow, that tomorrow is relatively problem free and that Friday at 5pm comes quickly because I am ready for a weekend break! I'll get through these challenges. I'll figure out my place in this new company and one day I will have a handle on all these new languages. I'm looking forward to that day!
Monday, February 18, 2013
A post about jello
My mother cannot make jello. She can make a flourless chocolate cake that will blow your mind, amazing chili, fabulous enchiladas and rolls that melt in your mouth. I told her the other night that she has ruined applesauce...because I will never be able to buy it in the store again. My godsons will go through a jar of her homemade jam in a morning if they are left alone with the jar. My Mother, though, cannot make jello. It's a mystery. One day years (and years and years and years) from now I will put the following on her headstone--"a great wife, mom, grandma, friend and cook but could not make jello. That darn jello just would not jell".
Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little...about the headstone. I don't hold it against Mom that her jello won't jell. It's become a joke but I hope she knows we just like to joke with her about her jello. We don't mean anything by it. She's fabulous at so much more, the non-jelling jello is doesn't even matter.
Besides cooking, my Mother is an amazing quilter, has the ability to make small talk with just about anyone and was an excellent Youth Director's Mom. She went on many youth trips and they all loved her. She could walk into a room on youth group night and the kids would rush her for hugs. That is an inherent gift.
We all have talents and gifts, things that we are inherently good at and things we have worked really hard to become good at. There are times, though, when we lose sight of the things we are good at and just focus on the things we struggle with, the talents and gifts that don't come naturally, that take a lot out of us and the things we berate ourselves for in the middle of the night when we wake up from a sound sleep to stare into the darkness for hours.
I've had a few of those nights in the last 11 months. Nights when I woke up and knew I had messed something up, really bad, and dreaded going into work. There was one week where I worked myself up so much, I had a full blown panic attack on the way to work. I used a cultivated talent to figure out it was a panic attack...I looked it up on the internet. :)
Working outside of my gifting and natural talents isn't so much a bad thing. There are days when I definitely feel stretched beyond my limits and I am quick to point out when I don't feel secure with something. But those moments when I work within my gifting and talents, those moments are priceless. Unfortunately, I don't wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the worship service that flowed so smoothly because I operated out of what I knew and with the talent I've been given and didn't worry about anything. No, I wake up worrying about things that do not come easy, things I work hard to perfect and things that I spend time berating myself not being good at. This is my humanity.
Today, I pulled out my recipe book and began the process of making a King Cake. I love to bake and tackling a yeasty King Cake is a fun challenge. I get a little nervous using yeast but there were four extra packets so if packet one didn't work I would try again. The yeast bloomed, the mixture came together and soon I was kneading the dough. For 10 minutes I pushed and pulled and used a lot of wrist and forearm to smooth out the dough. As I write, the dough is rising, I hope, and soon I will form and fill the cake and let it rise again. I have no control over the rising process. I just sit back and wait, hoping the skills I am perfecting have done the work needed for a successful outcome.
As I was kneading the dough I started talking to God. I started with words that are familiar to our conversations and moved into unexplored territory. The words stopped flowing when I said aloud that which has been niggling at the back of my conscious...words reminding me of the gifts and talents I have that have been pushed to the background while I try to, well, make jello. It's just not jelling.
My revelation for today isn't new, it's a reminder of who I am, of who God created me to be and is a piece of the puzzle I am working at putting together on this journey...somewhere down the road.
Okay, maybe I exaggerate a little...about the headstone. I don't hold it against Mom that her jello won't jell. It's become a joke but I hope she knows we just like to joke with her about her jello. We don't mean anything by it. She's fabulous at so much more, the non-jelling jello is doesn't even matter.
Besides cooking, my Mother is an amazing quilter, has the ability to make small talk with just about anyone and was an excellent Youth Director's Mom. She went on many youth trips and they all loved her. She could walk into a room on youth group night and the kids would rush her for hugs. That is an inherent gift.
We all have talents and gifts, things that we are inherently good at and things we have worked really hard to become good at. There are times, though, when we lose sight of the things we are good at and just focus on the things we struggle with, the talents and gifts that don't come naturally, that take a lot out of us and the things we berate ourselves for in the middle of the night when we wake up from a sound sleep to stare into the darkness for hours.
I've had a few of those nights in the last 11 months. Nights when I woke up and knew I had messed something up, really bad, and dreaded going into work. There was one week where I worked myself up so much, I had a full blown panic attack on the way to work. I used a cultivated talent to figure out it was a panic attack...I looked it up on the internet. :)
Working outside of my gifting and natural talents isn't so much a bad thing. There are days when I definitely feel stretched beyond my limits and I am quick to point out when I don't feel secure with something. But those moments when I work within my gifting and talents, those moments are priceless. Unfortunately, I don't wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the worship service that flowed so smoothly because I operated out of what I knew and with the talent I've been given and didn't worry about anything. No, I wake up worrying about things that do not come easy, things I work hard to perfect and things that I spend time berating myself not being good at. This is my humanity.
Today, I pulled out my recipe book and began the process of making a King Cake. I love to bake and tackling a yeasty King Cake is a fun challenge. I get a little nervous using yeast but there were four extra packets so if packet one didn't work I would try again. The yeast bloomed, the mixture came together and soon I was kneading the dough. For 10 minutes I pushed and pulled and used a lot of wrist and forearm to smooth out the dough. As I write, the dough is rising, I hope, and soon I will form and fill the cake and let it rise again. I have no control over the rising process. I just sit back and wait, hoping the skills I am perfecting have done the work needed for a successful outcome.
As I was kneading the dough I started talking to God. I started with words that are familiar to our conversations and moved into unexplored territory. The words stopped flowing when I said aloud that which has been niggling at the back of my conscious...words reminding me of the gifts and talents I have that have been pushed to the background while I try to, well, make jello. It's just not jelling.
My revelation for today isn't new, it's a reminder of who I am, of who God created me to be and is a piece of the puzzle I am working at putting together on this journey...somewhere down the road.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
A post about apologies
I've done an awful lot of apologizing in the last few weeks, ever since the blasted, dreaded Directory came fresh from the presses...even before that as it was at the printers and mistakes were caught. I've said those words "I'm sorry" and meant it. I've worried over the mistakes and beat myself up a little over the mistakes...I think it's part of being a people-pleaser.
Apologizing is tough. It's really, really difficult. I could justify the mistakes many times, it's been really hard, actually, to not be defensive and just take the mistakes on my shoulders. "I'm sorry." Two of the hardest words to utter without being defensive. I mentioned to my star of a friend the other day that I believe God is teaching me a lesson through this job and I would really like to be done with the lesson, thank you very much. I don't like making mistakes, yet I make them and apologies must be genuinely made.
There's an apology that has made headlines today. I heard it while I was getting ready for work this morning. Later, at work, I heard that the one's who were on the receiving end of the apology refused to accept it. Honestly, I don't blame them. For in one breath there was an apology and in another there was a statement basically saying the individual wouldn't go back and change one thing because his actions were all "part of God's plan".
I believe in God. I believe in God's plan for my life. I also believe in humility and true repentance and I don't believe the apology that made headlines held much of either. I don't blame the one's on the receiving end for refusing to accept an apology that feel flat, very, very flat from someone who then blamed a God who seemed, well, racist, vengeful and a puppet-master.
I've been learning a lesson over the last few weeks, a lesson in humility, in learning to be imperfect and a lesson in the grace of human beings when an apology is real. Today, I didn't hear an apology that sounded anything like that...and yes, I'm judging.
Apologizing is tough. It's really, really difficult. I could justify the mistakes many times, it's been really hard, actually, to not be defensive and just take the mistakes on my shoulders. "I'm sorry." Two of the hardest words to utter without being defensive. I mentioned to my star of a friend the other day that I believe God is teaching me a lesson through this job and I would really like to be done with the lesson, thank you very much. I don't like making mistakes, yet I make them and apologies must be genuinely made.
There's an apology that has made headlines today. I heard it while I was getting ready for work this morning. Later, at work, I heard that the one's who were on the receiving end of the apology refused to accept it. Honestly, I don't blame them. For in one breath there was an apology and in another there was a statement basically saying the individual wouldn't go back and change one thing because his actions were all "part of God's plan".
I believe in God. I believe in God's plan for my life. I also believe in humility and true repentance and I don't believe the apology that made headlines held much of either. I don't blame the one's on the receiving end for refusing to accept an apology that feel flat, very, very flat from someone who then blamed a God who seemed, well, racist, vengeful and a puppet-master.
I've been learning a lesson over the last few weeks, a lesson in humility, in learning to be imperfect and a lesson in the grace of human beings when an apology is real. Today, I didn't hear an apology that sounded anything like that...and yes, I'm judging.
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