When I turned the corner it was noticeable...at least to me. Others may not have caught on but all of a sudden I went from feeling like there was no hope anywhere to feeling peaceful. Not happy, still quick to tears, still finding it hard to believe that this isn't all a really bad dream...but better. I'd been waiting for better.
Grief is an individual state of being. We all go through the highs and lows at different times. I can move from laughter to tears without even blinking. Being the private person I am, I tend to not want to share everything with everybody all the time. I've drifted off into a corner by myself, needing to work through the emotions, the waves of regrets and sadness, the misty-eyed bittersweet memories, the unconscionable pain of missing my Dad...my friend. There are some who have understood that need to curl up by myself and allow the emotions to play. There are some who haven't understood at all.
What I have learned about grief, that I knew but didn't know, was how much of an individual process it truly is, how long it can take to feel semi-okay again and how some people just don't get it. My favorite question came from a friend who asked, just 20 days after my Dad died, "So, are you over it yet?" I didn't take offense. My filter was not on and I laughed at him and told him, no, I would never be over it. He couldn't relate at the time. Unfortunately, he can relate now.
The journey of grief that I continue to traverse is filled with highs and lows, ups and downs and unexpected turns. My Mom and I are remodeling the kitchen, which means all the cabinets that my Dad built are being removed. I didn't think about it until my Uncle came over to look at the kitchen floor and made a comment about how well the cabinets were built. He left and I broke down. Taking those cabinets means letting go of another piece of my Dad. I was sharing that story with a friend and she looked at me and said "but there are still so many things in the house that your Dad built!". She didn't get it. It doesn't matter how much is still left, every little piece I let go hurts. It's another acknowledgement that he is never coming back. (The kitchen is still being remodeled...my Uncle is taking the cabinets.)
So, on it goes. The ups and the downs, the laughter and the tears. The sweet memories and the regrets. Old kitchen cabinets are removed, new cabinets are brought in and time moves on.and grief remains.
