A post to my Dad

Dear Dad,

You can come home now.

Mom and I are both done with the quiet, stillness of the house and this new reality.  It's time for you to come home.

Right now I wouldn't even care if you gave me crap about the state of my living space or being a hermit and not getting up and moving when you think I should.  I would welcome your rants on politics and "those people" or climate change and big box stores or...

I keep waiting for my phone to ring and for you to be on the other end, just checking in because it's been so long since we last talked.  I keep waiting for an email with random things about your day to arrive in my inbox because you are away from home and you just need to check in with me.

I didn't realize how much I welcomed your swiveling in your chair when I walked in the front door at night, a smile on your face and a "Hi, Kiddo" ready for me as Rachel Maddow or Jon Stewart blared from the TV, until the last four months when you haven't been there...when I walk in the door to silence and realize, you aren't ever going to be there again.

It sucks.  It hurts.  I miss you so much.  I just want you to come home, for this little corner of the world to be right again...I want my Daddy back.

A post about the spaces in my soul

There's this space in my soul.  It's the space where my secret fears and anxiety lives.  It's the space where I hide my deepest insecurities.  This space usually stays hidden, away from the prying eyes of others...even myself.  Then other times the air in that space becomes thin and suddenly I am gasping for breath, desperate to keep the feelings of inadequacy at bay.

There's this space in my soul.  A place where confidence gathers steam, where I find strength and hope and inspiration.  This place, too, stays hidden until I suddenly burst forth from my quiet, introspective usual shell and stand.my.ground.  At those times the air is violently churning, producing winds of unknown proportion in my soul and I can't let it out fast enough.

These days, I've found a new space in my soul, where grief resides.  Where the pain is so deep, the ache is so profound I wonder when I will next be able to take a breath without air escaping around the lump in my throat.  This place too, stays hidden, until the grief builds up and suddenly shuddering breaths of pain and sorrow escape, usually accompanied by a torrent of tears.

These days, I'm desperately longing for the space in my soul filled with joy to take over again.  For the smile that I wear to be genuine again, not inadequately masking the sadness beneath.  For the bubbles of air to happily flow from within, lightly and carefree.  I don't want this place to be in my soul to be hidden.  I want to let this place shine and yet, right now, it's not the time.  The joy is still there, it's just covered up, muted, with the realities of life as other spaces in my soul take precedent.

Somewhere down the road...