*I honestly don't know when this blog was started...probably back in August. Finishing it tonight...just look for the "*". That's where I pick up the story.*
"How are you doing?"
I seriously hate that question. My standard answer is "fine" but it's mostly a lie. Not fine is a more apt description. Just coasting is a better description.
I had coffee with a friend a few weeks ago. We talked about life and our mutual not-fine-ness and I wrote about it on my other blog. Last week I happened to be driving by the coffee shop, saw his car and decided that is where I wanted to be that day. So we had coffee again. One of his first comments to me was, "so you know that blog post"...yeah, I know, I'm really not fine.
Friday I washed the gray out of my hair and had a 2 hour therapy session with my Friend/Hair stylist. I went into the time knowing I wasn't fine and came out still knowing I wasn't fine but also knowing I wasn't alone in my struggles with life. Hal-le-frickin-lu-jah.
Why am I saying any of this on blog where people can read it and then worry about my not-fine-ness? It's not to have people tell me how to be fine, or analyze my problems or tell me they are worrying. If I was asking for any of that, this post would be on the other blog where more people visit and tend to comment. No, what I really need is to just say, "out loud", that I am not fine.
*I'm coasting. I'm putting one foot in front of the other. I go to work. I go to work at my other job. I go to youth group. I go home. I try really hard not to expect too much from other people and expect a lot of myself. I don't hate my job but I don't love it. I'm tired of the commute. I'm stressed about money and Christmas and wondering who thought it was okay to have four national holidays in the span of two months (I'm blaming people who are on salary and get paid days off, not someone who gets paid by the hours worked with no paid holidays.) I'm not fine. I'm not awful. I'm in between, in limbo, in a seemingly endless transition to I-don't-know-what-or-where. I'm decidedly not fine.
But for the record, the next time anyone asks, "How are you?" my response will be, "I'm fine."
