The wind started blowing the other night. It was howling around the house, knocking the tree against the corner of the house. I was upstairs listening and thought of my Dad. There was some weather event that would cause my Dad to sleep downstairs on the couch. I can't remember if it was wind or lightening but the reminder of my Dad came just the same.
Memories are triggered everyday. The wind, a song, politics, a familiar face in the grocery store, photos, the date on the calendar, there are so many little triggers. Some memories bring a smile, many bring tears. I've gotten used to him not being here. I hate that.
There are moments when I forget and think of something that I want to tell him when I get home from work, only to violently remember that isn't going to happen again. I miss my friend who would listen to my day, or my rants on politics or whatever triggered my "are they serious?!" response. I miss hearing "How was your day, kiddo?" when I walk in the door. I miss trailing my fingers over his shoulders in hello, on my way to my room and saying "Hi Dad" when I arrived home from wherever I had been that day, as he sat at the computer doing whatever he was doing.
I miss his smile and laugh. The little grin that played along his lips when he was teasing someone and the laugh that came out when he was with his friends, relaxed and enjoying the moment. I miss watching him kiss Mom in the kitchen and really miss him drying the dishes...Mom does too.
Life moves forward. So much has changed in the last year and 11 months. The paralyzing, overwhelming grief has abated but grief remains. Tears come easily. The hope that maybe, just maybe, this is all a horrific dream has not fully abated. The reality is just too overwhelming to fully accept, right now. I will get there...someday. I'm moving at my own pace, and learning to live without my Dad. And that's the state of grief.
