I had dreams, when I was younger. Ideas about how life would be. There was a husband, children, nieces and nephews. I would enjoy my parents as they grew old together. In my mind, I was always a teacher - a kindergarten teacher. In my dreams for the future there was hope, happiness, contentment and purpose.
The reality of life is so much different. The husband and children have yet to manifest themselves, and with all that is changing within my body, some dreams of children grow slimmer each day. My Dad's life ended much sooner than any of us imagined. My teaching days weren't in a classroom but in a church "basement", with middle school and high school youth and involved so much more than teaching. Those days are years behind now. It was my choice to move on, well, there was a "voice" that I heard pretty clear telling me it was time for change and I listened to that voice. I don't regret that decision...but I do miss those days.
I do have a biological niece and lots of nephews-of-the-heart. I was content with life...once upon a time. Content didn't always mean happy, I have learned. Content simply means content. Content is a distant memory, right now.
The Disney movie Inside Out came out the summer my Dad died. The movie centered around a young girl as she deals with her new reality of life. The majority of the movie is told from the perspective of her emotions - Joy, Anger, Sadness, Fear, and Disgust. There is one point where her state of discontent, disillusionment, deaden her emotions and her emotional headquarters goes gray. Everything is viewed through a cloud of gray. I remember sitting in the movie theater, watching that scene, trying really, really hard to keep myself together and not just sob loudly and hysterically. Everything about that scene resonated with my soul. Reflected on the screen was my own inner state of being.
I moved out of that state for awhile, but lately the gray has started to creep back in. Contentment is nowhere to be found. Passion, happiness, hope...those feelings are hiding. I'm going through the motions of life. Right now, everything looks and feels gray.
Everyone once in a while I look around and wonder, what happened to all the dreams I had? Did I somehow miss the boat, or train or helicopter or plane or car or horse or whatever clue I was supposed to catch to make my dreams come true? I wonder what I've done wrong. Maybe I didn't listen close enough to the instructor and wandered down a path I wasn't supposed to take. What happened to my dreams?
Then I start to wonder, what is my purpose? I want to be useful, do something that makes a difference in the world. I am grateful to have a job but it's a job. I don't come home at night feeling like the world is a better place because I sold office products. It's a means to an end. Why am I here? I know that I'm not the first person to ask that question nor will I be the last.
My younger self had dreams. They were good dreams. They were the dreams that every younger self needs. Dreams of happiness, hope, contentment and purpose. Some dreams have yet to be realized. Some dreams have been lost along the way. Some dreams became reality and I am forever grateful for the memories.
Tonight, my soul is longing for new dreams. Dreams that move me out of the state of gray and back into a world of color. I am longing for new dreams to mingle with the old, to stir in my soul and bring me to a place of happiness, contentment, purpose and hope again.
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