Being single has its perks. There is a lot of freedom to choose how I spend my days, my money, where I expend energy and who I choose to have as friends...plus more. Being single also has its drawbacks. I am solely responsible for how I choose to spend my days, my money, where I expend energy and who I choose to have as friends...plus more. It's a catch 22.
One really tough part of being single, and childless, is going places alone. I am a true introvert, so going to events solo just about does me in...and honestly, sometimes I just don't go because, well, small talk and people. If I know there will be friends there to be my safety net, aka people I don't have to make small talk with, then I can convince myself to go somewhere alone. Otherwise, it's a no-go. Just thinking about having to make small talk causes my brain to shut down. I just don't.do.small.talk.well and people wear me out.
Going places alone, where I might not actually have to talk to people, then, shouldn't be so bad, right? Wrong. There are still people. People who might look at me wandering alone through, say, the zoo and wonder why I'm alone at the zoo. Like it's really anyone's business. Nor are people actually looking at me because they are involved in their own experience at the zoo. Plus, what does it matter if a complete stranger I will probably never see again thinks it's odd that I'm at the zoo alone? But yet, there it is. Yes, I am a convoluted human being.
When I found myself in a pretty serious downward spiral this past weekend, I knew that I needed to get myself out of the house or depression would overtake me. My adventure friend, Mom, was out of town and I needed to make a quick decision, so I got myself together, got in the car and went to the aquarium...gulp...alone. I've been a member of the aquarium for a year, so it wasn't like I was doing something super extravagant. (Side note, saying I am a member of the aquarium makes me feel very, very grown up. Sometimes my brain forgets that I AM a grown-up.)
I got there late in the afternoon and had three hours to enjoy the aquarium. I sat and watched a sea turtle chase fish around the Deep Sea exhibit. I wandered through and admired the jellyfish. I staked out a good spot to watch a scuba diver feed the fish and leopard sharks in the Kelp Forest. I looked for California Halibut hiding in the sand of the tide exhibit. I visited with the penguins, sea otters and the giant sea bass (seriously that thing is huge!). I watched an octopus play with a ball in it's exhibit and marveled at how they can change colors and blend in to their surroundings. I wandered, for three hours, alone and only spoke to the employee at the entrance and the employee in the gift shop. It was lovely.
After the aquarium closed, I walked down a path to the ocean, where I stood and watched Harbor Seals sleep. It wasn't very exciting. I didn't stay long. Then, I headed back to my car and went home.
You know what I noticed in my time at the aquarium? There were other people there alone, too. I didn't wonder why they were alone. I didn't really pay a whole lot of attention to them. I did my own thing and worked really, really hard to focus on something besides all the fear, anxiety, stress and crap racing through my brain. I won't deny, several times I had to push back the tears that threatened, as thoughts I was trying to keep at bay rushed to the surface. But overall, the trip did the trick. The downward spiral slowed.
As I drove home, I started thinking, of places that I wanted to go that I normally would choose to go with someone else. What was stopping me from going to Disneyland alone? The answer? Nothing...well, except for Saturdays that are blocked out for the type of Disneyland pass I have and work. But after my afternoon at the aquarium, I may just figure out a way to make it happen. 😉
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