A post about change

Yesterday I went to the Post Office.  I parked my car and got out and there on the ground was a dime.  I normally would leave pennies on the ground but a dime seemed significant.  I picked it up and pocketed it.  Someday soon it will go into the soda machine at work.  This is not a post about that kind of change.

This is a post about change that happens in life.  Tonight, I stood at the sink in my purposely darkened house looking out over the neighborhood where I grew up thinking about how the neighborhood has changed.  It's Halloween. When I was a kid this neighborhood my Mom would throw a Halloween party and our friends would come over for nachos and beer...the beer was for the Dad's who would take all of us kids around the neighborhood and drive us over into other neighborhoods and over to Grandma and Boompa's and Grandma Catherine's house.  The lady across the street gave out dimes.  The people in the house down the hill gave out full size candy bars. We would walk up and down the hills, passing by all the other kids in the neighborhood and having a great time.  Tonight, as I looked out over the neighborhood I noticed that most of the homes were dark.  There aren't that many kids in the neighborhood anymore.  This change isn't good or bad, it's just different.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend got married.  I was blessed to be the officiant at the ceremony and spent some time thinking about how her life has changed in two seemingly short but kinda long years.  Some of the changes were unexpected, many of them were difficult but as I stood there looking at her on her wedding day, I knew this change was good.

I spent some time reflecting, this last weekend, over the last year of my life.  I've said goodbye to some friends, hello to new friends.  Goodbye to an old job, hello to a new job.  I've done a lot of soul searching and still feel lost.  I've felt myself slipping further and further away from what is called "Christianity" today and further away from the churches around me.  There are some changes that have been good...some changes that have been tough...some changes that were just different.

Through it all, I know that change means growth.  Change can mean the death of one thing so that something new can grow.  Change means what I've taken for granted becomes apparent and the things I fear become vividly clear.  Change means there will be times to mourn and times to rejoice.  I can fight it or embrace it or ignore it but one way or another change will happen. 

I'm looking out over the neighborhood tonight seeing a whole lotta change.

A post about hiding

Do you ever have moments where you just want to hide?  I was going to write "hide under a rock" but that statement doesn't really make sense.  There is no hiding under a rock for this girl...I would be seen.

I have favorite places to hide.  My room is one.  It does kind of resemble a cave at times, especially at this time of the year when the light is harder to find and the cool air streams through the window.  It's one of my favorite hiding places.

I like to hide in Tahoe.  I've found a couple of places, close to the water where I can hear the waves lapping against the rocks, with some sun and some shade.  They aren't the most comfortable places unless I bring my own chair but they are calming, quieting, places where I can find God.

I've found a new place to hide.  A place to be in the same building, worshiping with people but a place where I can hide just the same.  It's in the balcony.  High up above the main floor, where I can sing, where I can listen, where I can use my cell phone to send text messages if the sermon is really boring, where I can chew gum and blow bubbles and not have anybody see me.

I also like to hide in plain sight.  Be there, with people, but not really joining in the moment.  I do that a lot.  It's not healthy, to be honest.  It's a protective mode, keeping myself "hidden" from the people around me so they don't really see all that is going on beneath the surface.  It's a mess under there.

Which is really the problem, right now.  There's a mess under the surface of the exterior of me.  There's a disconnect.  It's something that has been growing and growing and growing, getting so large and overwhelming.  I want to deal with it and yet, I just don't want to either.  So I'm in hiding, of sorts, trying to keep one foot in front of the other, nodding and smiling at the right moments but just feeling numb on the inside, distracted, disconnected and just tired.

Here I am...

































and here is God.

We've been here before, God and I.  God hasn't left me, I haven't really left God.  There is just this wide chasm in me that feels miles apart from God...and I'm not really sure what I want to do about that.

I'm in hiding.  Sitting at the top of the balcony, watching the goings on, not really participating, if I'm honest, and not really sure that I want to participate all that much.  I'll just sit up there, chew my bubble gum and blow bubbles, all the while wondering where to go from here.

A post about Monday

I woke up in a blah-mood.

I got on the bus in a not-so-gracious mood.

I sat across from a smiling girl and her little brother on the light rail.  My mood got a little better.

I walked into work in a I-kinda-don't-want-to-be-here-but-I'll-make-the-best-of-it-mood.

I opened my emails and was BLASTED with a barrage of angry emails.

Not necessarily directed at me but angry still the same.

My mood plummeted back to not-so-gracious.

I sent out a not-so-flattering picture of my boss (at his request) to the masses.

The attention getting method worked.

One of the masses emailed back and laughter ensued.

My mood lightened again.

I have a feeling it's going to be "one of those days."

Happy Monday.  How's your mood?

A post about crap I'm tired of

A blogger I used to read had as a label for some of her posts "crap I'm tired of".  I have gotten used to thinking that way about many things in the years since I first started reading her blog (she since changed blogs and that label isn't used anymore.)  I'm blatantly stealing it for this post and it may become a regular in this blog.

Crap I'm tired of:

• Politics.  I'm tired of the same political conversations being held over and over again.  I'm tired of the debates, I'm tired of the rhetoric, I'm tired of looking and someone and wondering just how much they have been groomed for the position.
• On that same politics bent, I am also tired of the problems with the country resting solely on the shoulders of one person.  Last time I looked there was a whole slew of Senators and Representatives that had a lot of responsibility for the situation we are in at the moment as well.
• I'm tired of the label of "poor" being slung around to only mean those who choose to live on the streets and not work.  I know plenty of working poor.  Honestly, if I had children, I would be one of the working poor.
• I'm tired of racism, sexism, ageism and the rest of the "isms".  I know I fall into those categories at times...I'm tired of it in myself.
• I'm tired of gas prices rising and rising and rising.  Between Monday and today prices went up 30 cents at one station.  I will ride the bus and the light rail as much as possible...and please don't try to tell me that's the President's fault.  Take a look at how much profit, not gross, but PROFIT the oil companies make and the insistence this country has on not building more mass transit (still wishing for a light rail system on this side of the hill).
• I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to __________________.  Too many things to fill in the blank there.

And right now, I'm just tired.

A post about things I wish

Things I wish:

• To be able to ride the bus and read a book at the same time.  There are an awful lot of books on my bookshelf I want to read and 3 hours a day I could be reading.
• I was a little more of an auditory learner...thus my wish to read on the bus.
• Christian Churches would be more about love and grace than condemnation and disgrace.
• That the church would let go of the theology which says you deserve the bad things that happen in life because of bad choices made.  Sometimes shit happens, people, and it's not fair, doesn't make sense, we haven't brought it on ourselves because of choices and it f*ing hurts.
• That the 2012 election year would be done already.  I've had enough.
• For debts to be paid off...mine and others.
• To win the lottery or somehow become independently wealthy so that...
• I could spend a lot more time helping people. (Missing Mississippi today.)
• For the office with a window that looks out over the fountain.
• One more hour in the day.
• To find peace, once again, in singleness...
• Or the ability to stop wondering if that person might be...
• For grace in my humanness...got that one already.
• To be happy, truly happy, again.

A post about hurricanes

I can say with absolute certainty that a hurricane changed my life.  Being a California girl, some would look at me with a questioning tilt of their head but it is the absolute truth.  A hurricane changed my life.

The hurricane didn't destroy my home.  It didn't wash away my belongings.  I didn't lose a family member or a friend.  I never lost power.  My car was fine.  I wasn't even evacuated from my home.  All the things you might think of with those words "a hurricane changed my life" didn't happen to me.  They happened to other people.  The devastation from that hurricane was astronomical.  The ripple effects are still being felt today, 7 years later.

Unlike the hurricane that tore apart the lives of so many, the hurricane actually made my life more complete.

• Because of a hurricane I found a passion and a calling I otherwise would have ignored.  
• Because of a hurricane, I made friends in an area I would never have know existed before.  
• Because of a hurricane I have learned how to build stairs, build decks, build ramps, dig post holes, cement in posts (but please, don't ask me to level those stinkin' posts), hang drywall, tear out drywall, mud and tape, silicone holes in siding, scrape paint, pull out really old electrical boxes without swearing, lay peel-and-stick tiles, pull up peel-and-stick tiles and demo houses and structures.  
• Because of a hurricane I can drive you from New Orleans to Waveland without missing a beat.  I know the back way too.
• Because of a hurricane I know what a King Cake tastes like, why po'boys are so addicting and I've ate my way through a pile of crawfish.
• Because of a hurricane I know what a "haint" is and why the porch ceilings in the South are painted blue...and some homes.  
• Because of hurricane I made friends with a man who is as far apart politically from me as he could possibly get and we like each other anyway.  Not just like, I love and deeply respect him and I am pretty sure he would say the same thing about me.  
• Because of a hurricane I came to love an area so much I've actually looked for jobs there.
• Because of a hurricane I have a gold medal.  Un-freakin-believable.
• Because of a hurricane I look at the weather reports a little differently and I definitely pay more attention from June to November.

Yep, I can say with certainty that a hurricane changed my life...for the better.

A post about today's political brew-ha-ha

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even when I think their opinion is wrong.  I attempt to live my life with this outlook.  I don't and won't agree with anyone else on exactly the same issues or ideas any or all of the time.  Sometimes it is my opinion that is the wrong one.  It's happened before, it will happen again.

Today, though, I VERY STRONGLY disagree with someone.  I so strongly disagree that I've been really, really tempted to break my own "no politics on Facebook" rule.  I am okay with everyone having their own opinions, I don't always want to talk about those opinions and so I refrain from discussing politics, etc., on Facebook.  I am going to blog about it.

Can someone please tell me when rape is not legitimate?  How, exactly, would a woman's body "know" that a pregnancy is unwanted and "do something" to stop that pregnancy?  The logic here, says the 5 percent of women who are raped who get pregnant were not legitimately raped.  I would dare Representative Akin to make that statement to a woman who has had her life torn apart because of rape, not to mention rape with a subsequent pregnancy. 

I am so tired of politicians saying idiotic things and then, when confronted on their dumb-a$$ comments, retracting with a "I misspoke".  The damage has been done, the fallacy of your "truth" is out there and people believe you because you are a politician who couldn't possibly lie or be wrong.  Ever.  Especially a "good Bible based Christian".


I am a Christ Follower.  I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  I also believe that women have just as much value as men.  I believe that women and men are both raped and that every rape is legitimate (whatever that means).  I believe that politicians lie all.the.time. and that this country needs to move beyond the abortion debate especially when it comes to elections and start focusing on the children, men and women who are struggling every single day to deal with the blows that life brings them.  I believe it's time that politicians who keep focusing on the abortion debate need to step up and take care of those children AFTER they are born by providing opportunities for health care, good education, affordable housing and so on and so forth.  I am DONE with the abortion debate and hope this country wises up soon.

Rant over.