For the first time in months, I pulled my guitar out of the case tonight. It's been sitting at the foot of my bed for a few weeks, was propped up against the wall before that and did actually get used in December, January and February. It's just sat, though, for the better part of these last 10 months. I haven't really wanted to pull the guitar out of the case. As much as music is a huge part of my connection with God, I just couldn't bring myself to play. I didn't WANT to play. I was tired of worship music and grieving leaving a team of people behind that helped me reach God through music on a weekly basis.
The journey of healing, of letting go of the past and looking toward the future has been a tough one on my music oriented soul. I miss so much of what was and haven't quite found what is yet to be, that place where my soul, music and God meet. I've had glimpses and moments of connecting, but nothing lasting. Yet, the healing has begun.
Tomorrow night, I will walk into a church with my guitar, step up to a microphone and prepare with a group of people to lead a congregation in music on Sunday. I wish, I wish, I could say I am excited but the fog of apathy I've been walking around with when it comes to church for a long time remains. I'm praying, just for a day, that the fog lifts, that I'll actually feel the connection with God again in worship leadership. I'm praying I didn't just say yes out of ego or the need for kudos. I'm praying this was a God lead decision and will be a God lead time. I'm praying...
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