I've always had a problem with the box. I haven't always been aware of my problems with the box but looking back I've always struggled with the box. I've struggled with the box in different context, the biggest place that I've struggled with the box, though, has been in the church.
The box of church, in my opinion, often keeps God from people. The box of church has said "this is what faith looks like, imitations and fakes will not be tolerated". The box of church has told people God only reacts one way and you must jump through these hoops to get to God. The box of church has limited what God can and will do.
The more and more I grow in my knowledge and faith, the harder it gets to be okay with the box the church has made for God. For the more I grow in my faith, the more questions I have, the more acceptance I have, the more love I have. Yet it seems if I love and accept and question more, then I no longer fit in the box of church.
And yet, everyday I see I am not the only one. There are others out there that are struggling with the box. Ones to whom God is real, immensely unfathomable and immensely powerful. Ones who admit they struggle and yet aren't giving up on faith. Ones who are vocal and not afraid to stand up and say "the God I serve does not live in a box".
I've always struggled with the box because the God I believe in, the God I serve does not live in a box.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
A post about apologies
I've done an awful lot of apologizing in the last few weeks, ever since the blasted, dreaded Directory came fresh from the presses...even before that as it was at the printers and mistakes were caught. I've said those words "I'm sorry" and meant it. I've worried over the mistakes and beat myself up a little over the mistakes...I think it's part of being a people-pleaser.
Apologizing is tough. It's really, really difficult. I could justify the mistakes many times, it's been really hard, actually, to not be defensive and just take the mistakes on my shoulders. "I'm sorry." Two of the hardest words to utter without being defensive. I mentioned to my star of a friend the other day that I believe God is teaching me a lesson through this job and I would really like to be done with the lesson, thank you very much. I don't like making mistakes, yet I make them and apologies must be genuinely made.
There's an apology that has made headlines today. I heard it while I was getting ready for work this morning. Later, at work, I heard that the one's who were on the receiving end of the apology refused to accept it. Honestly, I don't blame them. For in one breath there was an apology and in another there was a statement basically saying the individual wouldn't go back and change one thing because his actions were all "part of God's plan".
I believe in God. I believe in God's plan for my life. I also believe in humility and true repentance and I don't believe the apology that made headlines held much of either. I don't blame the one's on the receiving end for refusing to accept an apology that feel flat, very, very flat from someone who then blamed a God who seemed, well, racist, vengeful and a puppet-master.
I've been learning a lesson over the last few weeks, a lesson in humility, in learning to be imperfect and a lesson in the grace of human beings when an apology is real. Today, I didn't hear an apology that sounded anything like that...and yes, I'm judging.
Apologizing is tough. It's really, really difficult. I could justify the mistakes many times, it's been really hard, actually, to not be defensive and just take the mistakes on my shoulders. "I'm sorry." Two of the hardest words to utter without being defensive. I mentioned to my star of a friend the other day that I believe God is teaching me a lesson through this job and I would really like to be done with the lesson, thank you very much. I don't like making mistakes, yet I make them and apologies must be genuinely made.
There's an apology that has made headlines today. I heard it while I was getting ready for work this morning. Later, at work, I heard that the one's who were on the receiving end of the apology refused to accept it. Honestly, I don't blame them. For in one breath there was an apology and in another there was a statement basically saying the individual wouldn't go back and change one thing because his actions were all "part of God's plan".
I believe in God. I believe in God's plan for my life. I also believe in humility and true repentance and I don't believe the apology that made headlines held much of either. I don't blame the one's on the receiving end for refusing to accept an apology that feel flat, very, very flat from someone who then blamed a God who seemed, well, racist, vengeful and a puppet-master.
I've been learning a lesson over the last few weeks, a lesson in humility, in learning to be imperfect and a lesson in the grace of human beings when an apology is real. Today, I didn't hear an apology that sounded anything like that...and yes, I'm judging.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A post about life right now
I come to this page and I stop. I look at the cursor blinking, waiting to be moved from one space to another. I see the empty page, the blank post title line and I want to write something, I really do. I want to pull words from my heart, soul and mind, move them through my arms to my fingertips and the words appear on the screen in some semblance of order. I really do.
Yet, I come to this page and I stop. I watch the blinking cursor and the words won't come. The thoughts are there, the frustrations and the joys, the things that nag at my brain, pull my heart, create anxiety or joy within my soul. The thoughts, though, don't seem to make it from my brain, heart or soul down my arms to my fingertips to this page. They stop, they stagnate and I find myself staring at a blank page wondering what my point was, why was I writing, what was I writing, does anyone really care about any of this, am I just whining (because that's a totally different blog), do I want to see this through to the end of the thought? Within seconds the decision is made, the close button is hit, the box that pops up that says "do you want to save this" is ignored and I sign back out.
Writers block? Maybe. The more likely story is the unsettling in my soul, the part of me recognizing I am on this path by choice, yet also aware there should be more, there needs to be more, I was made for more than what is now. This is what I wanted and yet...and yet...and yet I want more. I want to be more, do more...and I don't want to whine about being here now.
So I come to this page and I stop. The cursor blinks, waiting to be moved from one space to another. I wait for the words to flow and give up and hit close.
Yet, I come to this page and I stop. I watch the blinking cursor and the words won't come. The thoughts are there, the frustrations and the joys, the things that nag at my brain, pull my heart, create anxiety or joy within my soul. The thoughts, though, don't seem to make it from my brain, heart or soul down my arms to my fingertips to this page. They stop, they stagnate and I find myself staring at a blank page wondering what my point was, why was I writing, what was I writing, does anyone really care about any of this, am I just whining (because that's a totally different blog), do I want to see this through to the end of the thought? Within seconds the decision is made, the close button is hit, the box that pops up that says "do you want to save this" is ignored and I sign back out.
Writers block? Maybe. The more likely story is the unsettling in my soul, the part of me recognizing I am on this path by choice, yet also aware there should be more, there needs to be more, I was made for more than what is now. This is what I wanted and yet...and yet...and yet I want more. I want to be more, do more...and I don't want to whine about being here now.
So I come to this page and I stop. The cursor blinks, waiting to be moved from one space to another. I wait for the words to flow and give up and hit close.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
A post about work
No kidding, I honestly don't know how I got through today. The morning was great. I didn't have to go in to work until noon, so I took some time to relax and water the plants and feed the birds. Once I got to work, though, it was non stop go. Non.stop.
Tonight was the first big meeting for my boss. I went through at least a ream of paper printing out all the papers for the meeting. I know I went through ink cartridges like crazy. CRAZY! The printer was slow too. Painfully slow. The office was covered in papers and directories and folders and I walked out...ran out...to the big meeting leaving piles of things everywhere. It's not how I've worked in this office, to just leave things everywhere.
For people who know me well, that's a surprise. My desk at my former job was always covered with stuff. Always. There were piles and piles and piles. I would try to clean it off when vacation time came around, but always wound up with piles. I still pile, but it's all in the "inbox". It's not just me at this office, there are people who come around all the time. I have a feeling it's only going to increase as more and more people get to know that there is a District Office and an employee.
Tomorrow my plan is to deal with the piles, pick up the pieces, make notes for next month and make the chaos of the office go away. Tonight, it's time to sleep.
Tonight was the first big meeting for my boss. I went through at least a ream of paper printing out all the papers for the meeting. I know I went through ink cartridges like crazy. CRAZY! The printer was slow too. Painfully slow. The office was covered in papers and directories and folders and I walked out...ran out...to the big meeting leaving piles of things everywhere. It's not how I've worked in this office, to just leave things everywhere.
For people who know me well, that's a surprise. My desk at my former job was always covered with stuff. Always. There were piles and piles and piles. I would try to clean it off when vacation time came around, but always wound up with piles. I still pile, but it's all in the "inbox". It's not just me at this office, there are people who come around all the time. I have a feeling it's only going to increase as more and more people get to know that there is a District Office and an employee.
Tomorrow my plan is to deal with the piles, pick up the pieces, make notes for next month and make the chaos of the office go away. Tonight, it's time to sleep.
Monday, July 9, 2012
A post about traveling
About a month and a half ago a friend of mine asked me to join her family for the baptism of her baby. She made an offer I couldn't refuse and so the plans were made. Last Tuesday morning I packed up the car and after work headed for the mountains of Lake Tahoe. It was the first Fourth of July I had to spend in Tahoe in years and it was lovely. A few hours with my Brother and his family and a few hours with my parents and fireworks. All good.
The next day we headed over to the airport in Reno and I flew up to Seattle. After a couple of hours waiting in Seattle, I headed over to the smaller airport to catch the next plane. The smaller airport with the smaller plane. The SMALLLEEERRRR plane. 9 seats for passengers. I was worried that I might get airsick being in that small of a plane but as we took off, my worries about being sick disappeared and I looked out on the sights of Seattle. We flew past the Space Needle and over the mountains and islands to Port Angeles. I soon found myself in Sequim, Washington and another place that I could see myself living.
There are many places that I would like to have a place to land. In Sequim or Port Angeles it would be somewhere with an ocean view, but maybe not up on the mountain...the noise from Hwy 101 was noticeable at night. The weather was almost perfect. 74 degrees was the highest the temps got. I can handle that. The mountains are close by, there are lakes to go to and the beach. Plus trees! Lots and lots of trees!
In Tahoe it would be either on Fallen Leaf Lake (the far side) or somewhere on the Zephyr side of Tahoe, near the lake of course.
I loved Nashville but would want to be out in the country, away from the hustle of the big city. The town of Franklin was cute and is home to many Country and Christian Music entertainers. That could be a fun town to live in. Mississippi would only be a possibility in the winter and then I would want a house right on the Gulf of Mexico...like one of those that Hurricane Katrina destroyed. Washington DC would be amazing in the late fall or early spring. Then I would want an apartment close to the Smithsonian.
Nevada, Utah, Nebraska, Kansas, Texas and Florida are not options. Neither is Arizona and that has a lot to do with the politics of Arizona. I haven't spent much time, at all, in the upper East Coast but I have a feeling some of those beach towns would make the list of places I wouldn't mind landing.
Of course, there is no place like home. After a almost a week of traveling, it was good to come home, sleep in my own bed and use my own shower. This short trip helped ease the traveling itch in my soul for the moment...but not for long! Trip number two soon!
The next day we headed over to the airport in Reno and I flew up to Seattle. After a couple of hours waiting in Seattle, I headed over to the smaller airport to catch the next plane. The smaller airport with the smaller plane. The SMALLLEEERRRR plane. 9 seats for passengers. I was worried that I might get airsick being in that small of a plane but as we took off, my worries about being sick disappeared and I looked out on the sights of Seattle. We flew past the Space Needle and over the mountains and islands to Port Angeles. I soon found myself in Sequim, Washington and another place that I could see myself living.
There are many places that I would like to have a place to land. In Sequim or Port Angeles it would be somewhere with an ocean view, but maybe not up on the mountain...the noise from Hwy 101 was noticeable at night. The weather was almost perfect. 74 degrees was the highest the temps got. I can handle that. The mountains are close by, there are lakes to go to and the beach. Plus trees! Lots and lots of trees!
In Tahoe it would be either on Fallen Leaf Lake (the far side) or somewhere on the Zephyr side of Tahoe, near the lake of course.
I loved Nashville but would want to be out in the country, away from the hustle of the big city. The town of Franklin was cute and is home to many Country and Christian Music entertainers. That could be a fun town to live in. Mississippi would only be a possibility in the winter and then I would want a house right on the Gulf of Mexico...like one of those that Hurricane Katrina destroyed. Washington DC would be amazing in the late fall or early spring. Then I would want an apartment close to the Smithsonian.
Nevada, Utah, Nebraska, Kansas, Texas and Florida are not options. Neither is Arizona and that has a lot to do with the politics of Arizona. I haven't spent much time, at all, in the upper East Coast but I have a feeling some of those beach towns would make the list of places I wouldn't mind landing.
Of course, there is no place like home. After a almost a week of traveling, it was good to come home, sleep in my own bed and use my own shower. This short trip helped ease the traveling itch in my soul for the moment...but not for long! Trip number two soon!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
A post where I don't think about breathing
It's been a week and a half since my doctors visit and a week and a half since I've been on an inhaler daily. Can I just say wow. Wow, wow, wow. I realized just a few minutes ago that my chest hasn't been tight all day long.
I'm so used to waking up in the middle of the night trying to catch my breath or listening to the sound of my chest rattling or the incessant wheezing. This was definitely a good move. I've been up and down the stairs at home all day and not once have I been out of breath. Hallelujah.
So, not thinking about breathing has me thinking about a lot of different things. The number one thought has been about the future. I feel like there should be an echo there. The future...future...future...future. I'm more and more convinced the job I currently hold is not the job I want to stay in the rest of my life. I know, without a doubt, there is more church work for me in the future. I know, as easily as I breathe these days, that I was made to be a part of the church and most likely employed by a church. What that role might be, I still have no idea, though other people are quick to tell me what role they envision me in...yeah, I don't see it but I could still have blinders on.
I do know that God is moving and working in my life, despite me. I do know I made the right choice a year ago to leave my comfort zone and leap off the cliff, so to speak. That is enough for now.
I'm so used to waking up in the middle of the night trying to catch my breath or listening to the sound of my chest rattling or the incessant wheezing. This was definitely a good move. I've been up and down the stairs at home all day and not once have I been out of breath. Hallelujah.
So, not thinking about breathing has me thinking about a lot of different things. The number one thought has been about the future. I feel like there should be an echo there. The future...future...future...future. I'm more and more convinced the job I currently hold is not the job I want to stay in the rest of my life. I know, without a doubt, there is more church work for me in the future. I know, as easily as I breathe these days, that I was made to be a part of the church and most likely employed by a church. What that role might be, I still have no idea, though other people are quick to tell me what role they envision me in...yeah, I don't see it but I could still have blinders on.
I do know that God is moving and working in my life, despite me. I do know I made the right choice a year ago to leave my comfort zone and leap off the cliff, so to speak. That is enough for now.
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