A post about weight

I'm tired.  I'm damn tired.  I'm tired of hearing people who have never, ever had a significant weight problem in their whole entire life talk about weight issues.  I'm admittedly biased on this subject and have a really hard time seeing the whole thing clearly.  That said, I don't want to sit through another evening where people who haven't really ever struggled with weight issues discuss how simple it is to lose weight.  Hello, can you even flippin' see me sitting here?!  Seriously, do you see how I SHUT DOWN every time this freakin subject comes up?!  No, obviously you can't.

I am living the obesity "problem".  I walk around everyday with too many pounds on my body.  I have been on the weight loss programs.  I know how they work.  I know what I should and shouldn't eat.  I have done the Jazzercise, the walking, the gym.  I KNOW how to take weight off.  I can do it.  Time and time again I've found that simple answer is not so simple.  Beneath the layers of fat, there are layers of issues.  Beneath the knowledge of how to take the weight off are the years of words and thoughts that have helped the weight pile on.  I wish, oh how I wish, it was just a food problem.  It's not.

For me, the weight isn't just about the food.  There is something deeper happening, something that I'm not even fully aware of keeping me from successfully losing weight.  It's a psychological problem, not just a food problem.  It's a security thing, an insecurity thing and so much more all wrapped up into one bundle of something I can't even fully explain.  I wish it was just about food.  It's not.

So you all just go ahead, you keep talking about how this country has an obesity problem and how we all need to cut back on fat and carbs and sugar and sodas and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Please tell us all how we should just eat less and work out more.  I'll kindly get up and leave the conversation because you obviously don't see me sitting there anyway.  How about we talk about the respect problem there is in the world...yeah, let's go there next because clearly, y'all are respectful.

A post about breathing

There are things that I tend to keep hidden, not wanting to worry others or just not wanting the attention these things might bring.

For a few months I've been having some breathing issues.  It started in earnest in February.   Every night I would go to sleep and wake myself up in the middle of the night because I was wheezing.  Some nights were really bad, other nights just mildly annoying.  I started hearing a rattling in my chest about a month ago and then I went for a walk with a friend on the beach and literally thought my lungs were going to close in on me.  I know I'm out of shape, but that was ridiculous.

Yesterday I went in to see the Doctor.  She is awesome, AWESOME, and within 10 minutes I was out the door with a sample of an daily inhaler because, gee, I just might have asthma.  Maybe allergic asthma, that hasn't been completely decided yet.  She called in a prescription for a rescue inhaler and for a nasal allergy spray as well.  YES!

Last night I took my first dose of the daily inhaler.  I went to bed and woke up this morning about 6:15am...and realized I hadn't wheezed the ENTIRE NIGHT!  Praise Jesus!  This morning I'm realizing that the rattle is gone as well.  I'm going to wait a few days before I go down to the gym in my office building and test out my lungs there...but I know have a rescue inhaler so even then, it's not as dicey as before!

I still don't want people to worry.  I still want to keep things hidden, but I'm so grateful to be able to breathe again I just have to say in this public forum, I love my Doctor!


Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

A post about weddings

This weekend I get to officiate a wedding.  This is the third wedding I have been privileged to be a part of...wedding number 4 is in October.

One of the main reasons I have ever considered getting ordained has been to be able to officiate at weddings and memorial services.  Celebrating life events with people I love and care of is important to me, always has been.  The first wedding I officiated, we went through the County Clerk's office and I was deputized for the day.  Then my Cousin V asked if I would officiate at her wedding and I decided to join the millions of people already ordained by the Universal Life Church.

At Cousin V's wedding Cousin A asked "would you officiate at my wedding".  I said yes, thinking that day was a long way off.  In April he and Cousin to-be C made it official...their wedding is Saturday.

I am so privileged to be a part of these days, to share my single-girls view of marriage and the commitment being made with people I love, to stand as they share in vows to honor and cherish and love one another for life.  It is such an amazing moment...but at the same time I am so aware that it is not a moment that can be fully shared by everyone.

As I stand on Saturday and shower words of blessing on my Cousin and Cousin to-be, there will be a moment when a sentence pops up, something like "our life partners", because I don't believe that marriage is just between a man and a woman.  I believe that ALL people should have the right to marry the person love heart and soul, forever.  I DON'T believe it makes a mockery of marriage for same-sex partners to marry, I think hetrosexual couples make a mockery of that all by themselves.  If my friends, M & L, were to get married again and asked me to be the officiant, I would jump in with both feet, privileged to share in their commitment to each other...just as I was privileged to stand up at their wedding and be a reader and the ring bearer.  :)

I'm looking forward to Saturday...just like I'm looking forward to October and the next wedding...life is good.

A Post About My Parents

My Mom tried to chop her finger off last week.  I got a hasty text message from my Dad saying "at the hospital" and then waited to hear more.  Later I got "in getting x-rays" then, "setting and sewing.  I left the room, too chicken".  When I asked how he was doing, my Dad's response was "it's definitely harder to watch mom get hurt than to be hurt myself."  My Dad loves my Mom.

I'm extremely grateful, in a world where people are denied the right to marry because of their sexual orientation and when marriage is being taken for granted and abused by many with the right to marry, that my parents not only love each other but take their commitment to each other seriously.  I'm grateful they not only love each other but love each other so strongly, they can't stand to see the other in pain.

While the tip of my Mom's index finger was reattached and the healing has begun, my Dad is still watching out for her, whether she knows it or not.  Because he loves her, for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do they part.  I'm holding them to that last part.  :)

A post about nothing

Words will come back to this space eventually.  Right now they seem to reach the end of my fingertips and just stop.  Or they come out in a jumble of nonsense which I can't make heads or tails of.

In the meantime I have this one check-in.  Worship leadership happened, it was good and I can see filling in again, from time to time and I may, just may, join the team to just help fill out the vocals in a couple of weeks.  There is potential.

I'll see you somewhere down the road...

A post about music

For the first time in months, I pulled my guitar out of the case tonight.  It's been sitting at the foot of my bed for a few weeks, was propped up against the wall before that and did actually get used in December, January and February.  It's just sat, though, for the better part of these last 10 months.  I haven't really wanted to pull the guitar out of the case.  As much as music is a huge part of my connection with God, I just couldn't bring myself to play.  I didn't WANT to play.  I was tired of worship music and grieving leaving a team of people behind that helped me reach God through music on a weekly basis.

The journey of healing, of letting go of the past and looking toward the future has been a tough one on my music oriented soul.  I miss so much of what was and haven't quite found what is yet to be, that place where my soul, music and God meet.  I've had glimpses and moments of connecting, but nothing lasting.  Yet, the healing has begun.

Tomorrow night, I will walk into a church with my guitar, step up to a microphone and prepare with a group of people to lead a congregation in music on Sunday.  I wish, I wish, I could say I am excited but the fog of apathy I've been walking around with when it comes to church for a long time remains.  I'm praying, just for a day, that the fog lifts, that I'll actually feel the connection with God again in worship leadership.  I'm praying I didn't just say yes out of ego or the need for kudos.  I'm praying this was a God lead decision and will be a God lead time.  I'm praying...

A post to begin a blog

One of the things I have learned through my life is to be very careful, moderated, deliberate, thoughtful about what I say.  Be it words on paper, Internet or spoken, I've learned words matter.

One of the things I have learned through my life is my thoughts and ideas are not necessarily others thoughts or ideas.  I have my own set of opinions on life which others may or may not agree with.

One of the things I have learned through my life is I don't like confrontation.  By moderating my words and remembering others think differently than I do, I have found I can usually avoid a LOT of confrontation.

Imagine my surprise, one day, when someone in my life looked at me and said, "You are so confrontational!".  I thought they were being sarcastic for a split second.  They were serious.

I've lived my life working to be open, to be moderate, to keep the peace, to present my case in ways which bring people together, in other words, I've worked really hard all my life to be liked.  To be called confrontational, well, it rocked my world.

Something has happened, between that moment and now.  Actually, many somethings have happened between that moment and now.  Life has changed.  I have changed, though part of me wonders if I have really changed or if I have finally given myself permission to be me.  With all my thoughts, feelings, opinions and words.

The time has come to speak my mind.  The time has come to employ all those attributes of my personality as well as the part of me that is increasingly, well, confrontational.

I begin this new blog, this new space, with a desire to be true to myself, true to my thoughts, feelings and opinions without a desire to please everyone.  I begin this new blog looking down the road, wondering where I am going, appreciative for where I've been, with many, many questions and opinions ready to roll off my tongue...okay, fingertips.  :)