When all you can do is pray

I have been feeling a little disconnected and numb from the latest cycle horror...until today and a post from a RevGal on Facebook.  Her simple prayer request:  "Please pray for my friend M who will be participating in 5 (so far) of the memorial services this week."  That's when the prayers started flowing.

Praying for the families.  For the teachers.  For the school and district administration   For the survivors.  For the first responders.  For the town.  For the country.  For the pastors.  For the children's directors/pastors.  For the youth directors/pastors.  For the counselors.  For the church administrative assistants.  For the funeral parlors.  For the organists, pianists and soloists.  Just simply praying because right now, that's all I can do.

A post in which I am thankful

I have a job.

I have a car that runs.

I can take public transportation to work.

I have a family that loves me.

I have parents that enable me...or let me live with them, you choose.

I have friends.

I have really good friends.

I have food to eat.

I have clothes to wear.

I have shoes.

I have a lot.

I am thankful.

I am thankful that I live in a country where I can:

Vote.

Speak in public.

Go to church...if I choose.

Travel with few restrictions.

I am thankful that I have been empowered by people within the church to:

Teach men, women and children alike.

Speak freely and openly about my faith journey.

Read scripture.

Sit in the front row...though I usually choose to sit in the back.

Stand in front of the church and share my thoughts, feelings and interpretation of scripture.

Walk through the doors and join others in worship and life even when I'm "not clean"...though sometimes I should just keep my grumpy b-u-t-t at home.

I am thankful for all of this and so much more.

What are you thankful for?

A post about change

Yesterday I went to the Post Office.  I parked my car and got out and there on the ground was a dime.  I normally would leave pennies on the ground but a dime seemed significant.  I picked it up and pocketed it.  Someday soon it will go into the soda machine at work.  This is not a post about that kind of change.

This is a post about change that happens in life.  Tonight, I stood at the sink in my purposely darkened house looking out over the neighborhood where I grew up thinking about how the neighborhood has changed.  It's Halloween. When I was a kid this neighborhood my Mom would throw a Halloween party and our friends would come over for nachos and beer...the beer was for the Dad's who would take all of us kids around the neighborhood and drive us over into other neighborhoods and over to Grandma and Boompa's and Grandma Catherine's house.  The lady across the street gave out dimes.  The people in the house down the hill gave out full size candy bars. We would walk up and down the hills, passing by all the other kids in the neighborhood and having a great time.  Tonight, as I looked out over the neighborhood I noticed that most of the homes were dark.  There aren't that many kids in the neighborhood anymore.  This change isn't good or bad, it's just different.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend got married.  I was blessed to be the officiant at the ceremony and spent some time thinking about how her life has changed in two seemingly short but kinda long years.  Some of the changes were unexpected, many of them were difficult but as I stood there looking at her on her wedding day, I knew this change was good.

I spent some time reflecting, this last weekend, over the last year of my life.  I've said goodbye to some friends, hello to new friends.  Goodbye to an old job, hello to a new job.  I've done a lot of soul searching and still feel lost.  I've felt myself slipping further and further away from what is called "Christianity" today and further away from the churches around me.  There are some changes that have been good...some changes that have been tough...some changes that were just different.

Through it all, I know that change means growth.  Change can mean the death of one thing so that something new can grow.  Change means what I've taken for granted becomes apparent and the things I fear become vividly clear.  Change means there will be times to mourn and times to rejoice.  I can fight it or embrace it or ignore it but one way or another change will happen. 

I'm looking out over the neighborhood tonight seeing a whole lotta change.

A post about hiding

Do you ever have moments where you just want to hide?  I was going to write "hide under a rock" but that statement doesn't really make sense.  There is no hiding under a rock for this girl...I would be seen.

I have favorite places to hide.  My room is one.  It does kind of resemble a cave at times, especially at this time of the year when the light is harder to find and the cool air streams through the window.  It's one of my favorite hiding places.

I like to hide in Tahoe.  I've found a couple of places, close to the water where I can hear the waves lapping against the rocks, with some sun and some shade.  They aren't the most comfortable places unless I bring my own chair but they are calming, quieting, places where I can find God.

I've found a new place to hide.  A place to be in the same building, worshiping with people but a place where I can hide just the same.  It's in the balcony.  High up above the main floor, where I can sing, where I can listen, where I can use my cell phone to send text messages if the sermon is really boring, where I can chew gum and blow bubbles and not have anybody see me.

I also like to hide in plain sight.  Be there, with people, but not really joining in the moment.  I do that a lot.  It's not healthy, to be honest.  It's a protective mode, keeping myself "hidden" from the people around me so they don't really see all that is going on beneath the surface.  It's a mess under there.

Which is really the problem, right now.  There's a mess under the surface of the exterior of me.  There's a disconnect.  It's something that has been growing and growing and growing, getting so large and overwhelming.  I want to deal with it and yet, I just don't want to either.  So I'm in hiding, of sorts, trying to keep one foot in front of the other, nodding and smiling at the right moments but just feeling numb on the inside, distracted, disconnected and just tired.

Here I am...

































and here is God.

We've been here before, God and I.  God hasn't left me, I haven't really left God.  There is just this wide chasm in me that feels miles apart from God...and I'm not really sure what I want to do about that.

I'm in hiding.  Sitting at the top of the balcony, watching the goings on, not really participating, if I'm honest, and not really sure that I want to participate all that much.  I'll just sit up there, chew my bubble gum and blow bubbles, all the while wondering where to go from here.

A post about Monday

I woke up in a blah-mood.

I got on the bus in a not-so-gracious mood.

I sat across from a smiling girl and her little brother on the light rail.  My mood got a little better.

I walked into work in a I-kinda-don't-want-to-be-here-but-I'll-make-the-best-of-it-mood.

I opened my emails and was BLASTED with a barrage of angry emails.

Not necessarily directed at me but angry still the same.

My mood plummeted back to not-so-gracious.

I sent out a not-so-flattering picture of my boss (at his request) to the masses.

The attention getting method worked.

One of the masses emailed back and laughter ensued.

My mood lightened again.

I have a feeling it's going to be "one of those days."

Happy Monday.  How's your mood?

A post about crap I'm tired of

A blogger I used to read had as a label for some of her posts "crap I'm tired of".  I have gotten used to thinking that way about many things in the years since I first started reading her blog (she since changed blogs and that label isn't used anymore.)  I'm blatantly stealing it for this post and it may become a regular in this blog.

Crap I'm tired of:

• Politics.  I'm tired of the same political conversations being held over and over again.  I'm tired of the debates, I'm tired of the rhetoric, I'm tired of looking and someone and wondering just how much they have been groomed for the position.
• On that same politics bent, I am also tired of the problems with the country resting solely on the shoulders of one person.  Last time I looked there was a whole slew of Senators and Representatives that had a lot of responsibility for the situation we are in at the moment as well.
• I'm tired of the label of "poor" being slung around to only mean those who choose to live on the streets and not work.  I know plenty of working poor.  Honestly, if I had children, I would be one of the working poor.
• I'm tired of racism, sexism, ageism and the rest of the "isms".  I know I fall into those categories at times...I'm tired of it in myself.
• I'm tired of gas prices rising and rising and rising.  Between Monday and today prices went up 30 cents at one station.  I will ride the bus and the light rail as much as possible...and please don't try to tell me that's the President's fault.  Take a look at how much profit, not gross, but PROFIT the oil companies make and the insistence this country has on not building more mass transit (still wishing for a light rail system on this side of the hill).
• I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to __________________.  Too many things to fill in the blank there.

And right now, I'm just tired.

A post about things I wish

Things I wish:

• To be able to ride the bus and read a book at the same time.  There are an awful lot of books on my bookshelf I want to read and 3 hours a day I could be reading.
• I was a little more of an auditory learner...thus my wish to read on the bus.
• Christian Churches would be more about love and grace than condemnation and disgrace.
• That the church would let go of the theology which says you deserve the bad things that happen in life because of bad choices made.  Sometimes shit happens, people, and it's not fair, doesn't make sense, we haven't brought it on ourselves because of choices and it f*ing hurts.
• That the 2012 election year would be done already.  I've had enough.
• For debts to be paid off...mine and others.
• To win the lottery or somehow become independently wealthy so that...
• I could spend a lot more time helping people. (Missing Mississippi today.)
• For the office with a window that looks out over the fountain.
• One more hour in the day.
• To find peace, once again, in singleness...
• Or the ability to stop wondering if that person might be...
• For grace in my humanness...got that one already.
• To be happy, truly happy, again.

A post about hurricanes

I can say with absolute certainty that a hurricane changed my life.  Being a California girl, some would look at me with a questioning tilt of their head but it is the absolute truth.  A hurricane changed my life.

The hurricane didn't destroy my home.  It didn't wash away my belongings.  I didn't lose a family member or a friend.  I never lost power.  My car was fine.  I wasn't even evacuated from my home.  All the things you might think of with those words "a hurricane changed my life" didn't happen to me.  They happened to other people.  The devastation from that hurricane was astronomical.  The ripple effects are still being felt today, 7 years later.

Unlike the hurricane that tore apart the lives of so many, the hurricane actually made my life more complete.

• Because of a hurricane I found a passion and a calling I otherwise would have ignored.  
• Because of a hurricane, I made friends in an area I would never have know existed before.  
• Because of a hurricane I have learned how to build stairs, build decks, build ramps, dig post holes, cement in posts (but please, don't ask me to level those stinkin' posts), hang drywall, tear out drywall, mud and tape, silicone holes in siding, scrape paint, pull out really old electrical boxes without swearing, lay peel-and-stick tiles, pull up peel-and-stick tiles and demo houses and structures.  
• Because of a hurricane I can drive you from New Orleans to Waveland without missing a beat.  I know the back way too.
• Because of a hurricane I know what a King Cake tastes like, why po'boys are so addicting and I've ate my way through a pile of crawfish.
• Because of a hurricane I know what a "haint" is and why the porch ceilings in the South are painted blue...and some homes.  
• Because of hurricane I made friends with a man who is as far apart politically from me as he could possibly get and we like each other anyway.  Not just like, I love and deeply respect him and I am pretty sure he would say the same thing about me.  
• Because of a hurricane I came to love an area so much I've actually looked for jobs there.
• Because of a hurricane I have a gold medal.  Un-freakin-believable.
• Because of a hurricane I look at the weather reports a little differently and I definitely pay more attention from June to November.

Yep, I can say with certainty that a hurricane changed my life...for the better.

A post about today's political brew-ha-ha

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even when I think their opinion is wrong.  I attempt to live my life with this outlook.  I don't and won't agree with anyone else on exactly the same issues or ideas any or all of the time.  Sometimes it is my opinion that is the wrong one.  It's happened before, it will happen again.

Today, though, I VERY STRONGLY disagree with someone.  I so strongly disagree that I've been really, really tempted to break my own "no politics on Facebook" rule.  I am okay with everyone having their own opinions, I don't always want to talk about those opinions and so I refrain from discussing politics, etc., on Facebook.  I am going to blog about it.

Can someone please tell me when rape is not legitimate?  How, exactly, would a woman's body "know" that a pregnancy is unwanted and "do something" to stop that pregnancy?  The logic here, says the 5 percent of women who are raped who get pregnant were not legitimately raped.  I would dare Representative Akin to make that statement to a woman who has had her life torn apart because of rape, not to mention rape with a subsequent pregnancy. 

I am so tired of politicians saying idiotic things and then, when confronted on their dumb-a$$ comments, retracting with a "I misspoke".  The damage has been done, the fallacy of your "truth" is out there and people believe you because you are a politician who couldn't possibly lie or be wrong.  Ever.  Especially a "good Bible based Christian".


I am a Christ Follower.  I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  I also believe that women have just as much value as men.  I believe that women and men are both raped and that every rape is legitimate (whatever that means).  I believe that politicians lie all.the.time. and that this country needs to move beyond the abortion debate especially when it comes to elections and start focusing on the children, men and women who are struggling every single day to deal with the blows that life brings them.  I believe it's time that politicians who keep focusing on the abortion debate need to step up and take care of those children AFTER they are born by providing opportunities for health care, good education, affordable housing and so on and so forth.  I am DONE with the abortion debate and hope this country wises up soon.

Rant over. 

A post about my latest bus adventures

Someone told me recently I should write a book about my time on the bus.  I kinda laughed and smiled but the thought is there and it's germinating.  May happen, may not happen but I can blog about the bus!

Yesterday morning I was the NICE person who said to the two people who went to get on the bus "that's the wrong bus".  It felt good to help someone out.  My niceness stopped when I got on the bus.

The back of the bus looked empty.  That is until I was back there and found a guy laying on the bench seat along the left side up the bus, taking up three spaces and his backpack was taking up another.  Nice.  I sat down on the bench seat across the back, next to the backpack and just played nice.  We stopped and two other people got on board and headed straight back for the "empty" spaces.  One came back stopped, looked at the guy, looked at me and I smiled as I slid the sleeping dudes backpack away from the empty seat and to him.  That is when I secretly started hoping that somewhere along the windy mountain road, the bus driver would take a turn a little too fast throwing the sleeping guy onto the floor of the bus.  See, I told you the niceness stopped.

Sleeping guy woke up with a start as we got closer to the big city, sat up, looking around to see where we were and apologetically moved his backpack.  Okay, I could be nice a little.  But instead of sitting up and staying awake for the 10 minutes left of the ride, he lay.back.down.  Do you see where this is going?

We stopped at the Big Bus Stop where half to 3/4 of the bus exits and he still lay there, sleeping.  The bus left Big Bus Stop and started down the street.  We rounded the corner and the announcement came on for the next stop (which is about 2 blocks down the street) and sleeping guy sat up straight looked around and realized he had missed his stop.  Panic ensued.  I found that little streak of niceness again and pulled the stop request cord so he could get off the bus.  (I will admit that I was tired of smelling him by that point as well and happy to see him hoof it back to the the Big Bus Stop.)

Today, was another bus adventure.  The bus driver took an alternate route to get on the freeway, driving through part of town instead of to the nearest on ramp, panic was ensuing on the faces of the bus riders.  I could see it happen.  Two guys across the way had those looks on their faces like they might get up and storm to the front of the bus to complain.  One of them kept looking at their watch like he was timing the bus and if it took 1 second longer than "usual" to get on the freeway then he would file a formal complaint.  Then we got to the overpass and looked out to the freeway...

People, do not doubt the bus driver.  The traffic was backed up farther than we could see.  The drive through town probably saved at least 15 minutes of sitting in traffic in the long run and took maybe 2 minutes longer than normal.  I was still 15 minutes late for work because traffic was extra awful today, a reminder that universities and schools start next week and maybe I need to start taking the (ugh) 7:25am bus.

I wonder what tomorrow morning will bring...

A post about life these days

Someone recently made the comment to me, "I'm glad you're having the time of your life."  I sat there wondering what they were seeing in my life that I was not seeing.  I would not classify this period of time in my life as the "time of my life."  I'm not in the toughest season of life to-date but it is far from my happiest period of life.

I am busy. I have things happening but enthusiastic joy and happiness is not what I'm feeling these days.  In so many ways I wonder if I'm just letting life pass me by.  I'm wondering if maybe I missed some cue from God somewhere.  Maybe I'm waiting for God but God is waiting for me.  I can't say I'm unhappy.  I have a job, a place to live (thank you Mom and Dad), a car that works, friends and I have hope that there are many years ahead that will hold the time of my life.  Yeah, I'm not having the time of my life...at the moment.  

Another friend sat across the table from me recently and said "I want you to find time for some fun in your life."  I smiled and was grateful for a friend who reads between the lines and cares enough to challenge me.  Tomorrow I am going to the Zoo with two of my favorite guys (ages 7 & 5) and the fabulous, fantastic R-girl.  Fun is on the menu.  We will buy a zoo key, laugh at the gorillas, watch the lemurs antics (and probably sing "I like to move it, move it) and hope the grizzlies are playing in the water.  We might ride the train and maybe listen to the lions roar and yes, we will have fun! 

A post about current events

"Once in a while, our culture needs to be surprised by how much we love people–all people. Once in a while, our culture needs to be overwhelmed with joy that we are involved in the greater story. Once in a while, our culture needs to see us being a part of the solution and not the problem."--Matthew Paul Turner


This week I have been struggling to even want to belong to "the church" anymore.  I'm tired, oh so tired, of the debates about who is in and who is out.  Who is wrong and who is right.  I'm tired of feeling ashamed of the label of "Christian".  I'm tired of the finger pointing.  I'm tired of turning on my computer/TV/radio and being slammed in the face with hatred.  I'm tired of all of this.


But I'm not tired of God.  I'm not ashamed of Jesus and those two facts alone have kept me from calling it quits this week.  I may be tired of all the hoops and words and condemnation and anger and justification but I still love God and still love Jesus.  I'm clinging to the hope that one day the church will remember that we are called to love all people and can be a part of the solution, not the problem.

A post about the box

I've always had a problem with the box.  I haven't always been aware of my problems with the box but looking back I've always struggled with the box.  I've struggled with the box in different context, the biggest place that I've struggled with the box, though, has been in the church.

The box of church, in my opinion, often keeps God from people.  The box of church has said "this is what faith looks like, imitations and fakes will not be tolerated".  The box of church has told people God only reacts one way and you must jump through these hoops to get to God.  The box of church has limited what God can and will do.

The more and more I grow in my knowledge and faith, the harder it gets to be okay with the box the church has made for God.  For the more I grow in my faith, the more questions I have, the more acceptance I have, the more love I have.  Yet it seems if I love and accept and question more, then I no longer fit in the box of church.

And yet, everyday I see I am not the only one.  There are others out there that are struggling with the box.  Ones to whom God is real, immensely unfathomable and immensely powerful.  Ones who admit they struggle and yet aren't giving up on faith.  Ones who are vocal and not afraid to stand up and say "the God I serve does not live in a box".

I've always struggled with the box because the God I believe in, the God I serve does not live in a box.

A post about apologies

I've done an awful lot of apologizing in the last few weeks, ever since the blasted, dreaded Directory came fresh from the presses...even before that as it was at the printers and mistakes were caught.  I've said those words "I'm sorry" and meant it.  I've worried over the mistakes and beat myself up a little over the mistakes...I think it's part of being a people-pleaser.

Apologizing is tough.  It's really, really difficult.  I could justify the mistakes many times, it's been really hard, actually, to not be defensive and just take the mistakes on my shoulders.  "I'm sorry."  Two of the hardest words to utter without being defensive.  I mentioned to my star of a friend the other day that I believe God is teaching me a lesson through this job and I would really like to be done with the lesson, thank you very much.  I don't like making mistakes, yet I make them and apologies must be genuinely made.

There's an apology that has made headlines today.  I heard it while I was getting ready for work this morning.  Later, at work, I heard that the one's who were on the receiving end of the apology refused to accept it.  Honestly, I don't blame them.  For in one breath there was an apology and in another there was a statement basically saying the individual wouldn't go back and change one thing because his actions were all "part of God's plan".

I believe in God.  I believe in God's plan for my life.  I also believe in humility and true repentance and I don't believe the apology that made headlines held much of either.  I don't blame the one's on the receiving end for refusing to accept an apology that feel flat, very, very flat from someone who then blamed a God who seemed, well, racist, vengeful and a puppet-master.

I've been learning a lesson over the last few weeks, a lesson in humility, in learning to be imperfect and a lesson in the grace of human beings when an apology is real.  Today, I didn't hear an apology that sounded anything like that...and yes, I'm judging.  

A post about life right now

I come to this page and I stop.  I look at the cursor blinking, waiting to be moved from one space to another.  I see the empty page, the blank post title line and I want to write something, I really do.  I want to pull words from my heart, soul and mind, move them through my arms to my fingertips and the words appear on the screen in some semblance of order.  I really do.

Yet, I come to this page and I stop.  I watch the blinking cursor and the words won't come.  The thoughts are there, the frustrations and the joys, the things that nag at my brain, pull my heart, create anxiety or joy within my soul.  The thoughts, though, don't seem to make it from my brain, heart or soul down my arms to my fingertips to this page.  They stop, they stagnate and I find myself staring at a blank page wondering what my point was, why was I writing, what was I writing, does anyone really care about any of this, am I just whining (because that's a totally different blog), do I want to see this through to the end of the thought?  Within seconds the decision is made, the close button is hit, the box that pops up that says "do you want to save this" is ignored and I sign back out.

Writers block?  Maybe.  The more likely story is the unsettling in my soul, the part of me recognizing I am on this path by choice, yet also aware there should be more, there needs to be more, I was made for more than what is now.  This is what I wanted and yet...and yet...and yet I want more.  I want to be more, do more...and I don't want to whine about being here now.

So I come to this page and I stop.  The cursor blinks, waiting to be moved from one space to another.  I wait for the words to flow and give up and hit close. 

A post about work

No kidding, I honestly don't know how I got through today.  The morning was great.  I didn't have to go in to work until noon, so I took some time to relax and water the plants and feed the birds.  Once I got to work, though, it was non stop go.  Non.stop.

Tonight was the first big meeting for my boss.  I went through at least a ream of paper printing out all the papers for the meeting.  I know I went through ink cartridges like crazy.  CRAZY!  The printer was slow too.  Painfully slow.  The office was covered in papers and directories and folders and I walked out...ran out...to the big meeting leaving piles of things everywhere.  It's not how I've worked in this office, to just leave things everywhere.

For people who know me well, that's a surprise.  My desk at my former job was always covered with stuff.  Always.  There were piles and piles and piles.  I would try to clean it off when vacation time came around, but always wound up with piles.  I still pile, but it's all in the "inbox".  It's not just me at this office, there are people who come around all the time.  I have a feeling it's only going to increase as more and more people get to know that there is a District Office and an employee.

Tomorrow my plan is to deal with the piles, pick up the pieces, make notes for next month and make the chaos of the office go away.  Tonight, it's time to sleep.
 

A post about traveling

About a month and a half ago a friend of mine asked me to join her family for the baptism of her baby.  She made an offer I couldn't refuse and so the plans were made.  Last Tuesday morning I packed up the car and after work headed for the mountains of Lake Tahoe.  It was the first Fourth of July I had to spend in Tahoe in years and it was lovely.  A few hours with my Brother and his family and a few hours with my parents and fireworks.  All good.

The next day we headed over to the airport in Reno and I flew up to Seattle.  After a couple of hours waiting in Seattle, I headed over to the smaller airport to catch the next plane.  The smaller airport with the smaller plane.  The SMALLLEEERRRR plane.  9 seats for passengers.  I was worried that I might get airsick being in that small of a plane but as we took off, my worries about being sick disappeared and I looked out on the sights of Seattle.  We flew past the Space Needle and over the mountains and islands to Port Angeles.  I soon found myself in Sequim, Washington and another place that I could see myself living.

There are many places that I would like to have a place to land.  In Sequim or Port Angeles it would be somewhere with an ocean view, but maybe not up on the mountain...the noise from Hwy 101 was noticeable at night.  The weather was almost perfect.  74 degrees was the highest the temps got.  I can handle that.  The mountains are close by, there are lakes to go to and the beach.  Plus trees!  Lots and lots of trees!

In Tahoe it would be either on Fallen Leaf Lake (the far side) or somewhere on the Zephyr side of Tahoe, near the lake of course.

I loved Nashville but would want to be out in the country, away from the hustle of the big city.  The town of Franklin was cute and is home to many Country and Christian Music entertainers.  That could be a fun town to live in.  Mississippi would only be a possibility in the winter and then I would want a house right on the Gulf of Mexico...like one of those that Hurricane Katrina destroyed.  Washington DC would be amazing in the late fall or early spring.  Then I would want an apartment close to the Smithsonian. 

Nevada, Utah, Nebraska, Kansas, Texas and Florida are not options.  Neither is Arizona and that has a lot to do with the politics of Arizona.  I haven't spent much time, at all, in the upper East Coast but I have a feeling some of those beach towns would make the list of places I wouldn't mind landing.

Of course, there is no place like home.  After a almost a week of traveling, it was good to come home, sleep in my own bed and use my own shower.  This short trip helped ease the traveling itch in my soul for the moment...but not for long!  Trip number two soon!

A post where I don't think about breathing

It's been a week and a half since my doctors visit and a week and a half since I've been on an inhaler daily.  Can I just say wow.  Wow, wow, wow.  I realized just a few minutes ago that my chest hasn't been tight all day long.

I'm so used to waking up in the middle of the night trying to catch my breath or listening to the sound of my chest rattling or the incessant wheezing.  This was definitely a good move.  I've been up and down the stairs at home all day and not once have I been out of breath.  Hallelujah.

So, not thinking about breathing has me thinking about a lot of different things.  The number one thought has been about the future.  I feel like there should be an echo there.  The future...future...future...future.  I'm more and more convinced the job I currently hold is not the job I want to stay in the rest of my life.  I know, without a doubt, there is more church work for me in the future.  I know, as easily as I breathe these days, that I was made to be a part of the church and most likely employed by a church.  What that role might be, I still have no idea, though other people are quick to tell me what role they envision me in...yeah, I don't see it but I could still have blinders on.

I do know that God is moving and working in my life, despite me.  I do know I made the right choice a year ago to leave my comfort zone and leap off the cliff, so to speak.  That is enough for now.

A post about weight

I'm tired.  I'm damn tired.  I'm tired of hearing people who have never, ever had a significant weight problem in their whole entire life talk about weight issues.  I'm admittedly biased on this subject and have a really hard time seeing the whole thing clearly.  That said, I don't want to sit through another evening where people who haven't really ever struggled with weight issues discuss how simple it is to lose weight.  Hello, can you even flippin' see me sitting here?!  Seriously, do you see how I SHUT DOWN every time this freakin subject comes up?!  No, obviously you can't.

I am living the obesity "problem".  I walk around everyday with too many pounds on my body.  I have been on the weight loss programs.  I know how they work.  I know what I should and shouldn't eat.  I have done the Jazzercise, the walking, the gym.  I KNOW how to take weight off.  I can do it.  Time and time again I've found that simple answer is not so simple.  Beneath the layers of fat, there are layers of issues.  Beneath the knowledge of how to take the weight off are the years of words and thoughts that have helped the weight pile on.  I wish, oh how I wish, it was just a food problem.  It's not.

For me, the weight isn't just about the food.  There is something deeper happening, something that I'm not even fully aware of keeping me from successfully losing weight.  It's a psychological problem, not just a food problem.  It's a security thing, an insecurity thing and so much more all wrapped up into one bundle of something I can't even fully explain.  I wish it was just about food.  It's not.

So you all just go ahead, you keep talking about how this country has an obesity problem and how we all need to cut back on fat and carbs and sugar and sodas and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.  Please tell us all how we should just eat less and work out more.  I'll kindly get up and leave the conversation because you obviously don't see me sitting there anyway.  How about we talk about the respect problem there is in the world...yeah, let's go there next because clearly, y'all are respectful.

A post about breathing

There are things that I tend to keep hidden, not wanting to worry others or just not wanting the attention these things might bring.

For a few months I've been having some breathing issues.  It started in earnest in February.   Every night I would go to sleep and wake myself up in the middle of the night because I was wheezing.  Some nights were really bad, other nights just mildly annoying.  I started hearing a rattling in my chest about a month ago and then I went for a walk with a friend on the beach and literally thought my lungs were going to close in on me.  I know I'm out of shape, but that was ridiculous.

Yesterday I went in to see the Doctor.  She is awesome, AWESOME, and within 10 minutes I was out the door with a sample of an daily inhaler because, gee, I just might have asthma.  Maybe allergic asthma, that hasn't been completely decided yet.  She called in a prescription for a rescue inhaler and for a nasal allergy spray as well.  YES!

Last night I took my first dose of the daily inhaler.  I went to bed and woke up this morning about 6:15am...and realized I hadn't wheezed the ENTIRE NIGHT!  Praise Jesus!  This morning I'm realizing that the rattle is gone as well.  I'm going to wait a few days before I go down to the gym in my office building and test out my lungs there...but I know have a rescue inhaler so even then, it's not as dicey as before!

I still don't want people to worry.  I still want to keep things hidden, but I'm so grateful to be able to breathe again I just have to say in this public forum, I love my Doctor!


Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

A post about weddings

This weekend I get to officiate a wedding.  This is the third wedding I have been privileged to be a part of...wedding number 4 is in October.

One of the main reasons I have ever considered getting ordained has been to be able to officiate at weddings and memorial services.  Celebrating life events with people I love and care of is important to me, always has been.  The first wedding I officiated, we went through the County Clerk's office and I was deputized for the day.  Then my Cousin V asked if I would officiate at her wedding and I decided to join the millions of people already ordained by the Universal Life Church.

At Cousin V's wedding Cousin A asked "would you officiate at my wedding".  I said yes, thinking that day was a long way off.  In April he and Cousin to-be C made it official...their wedding is Saturday.

I am so privileged to be a part of these days, to share my single-girls view of marriage and the commitment being made with people I love, to stand as they share in vows to honor and cherish and love one another for life.  It is such an amazing moment...but at the same time I am so aware that it is not a moment that can be fully shared by everyone.

As I stand on Saturday and shower words of blessing on my Cousin and Cousin to-be, there will be a moment when a sentence pops up, something like "our life partners", because I don't believe that marriage is just between a man and a woman.  I believe that ALL people should have the right to marry the person love heart and soul, forever.  I DON'T believe it makes a mockery of marriage for same-sex partners to marry, I think hetrosexual couples make a mockery of that all by themselves.  If my friends, M & L, were to get married again and asked me to be the officiant, I would jump in with both feet, privileged to share in their commitment to each other...just as I was privileged to stand up at their wedding and be a reader and the ring bearer.  :)

I'm looking forward to Saturday...just like I'm looking forward to October and the next wedding...life is good.

A Post About My Parents

My Mom tried to chop her finger off last week.  I got a hasty text message from my Dad saying "at the hospital" and then waited to hear more.  Later I got "in getting x-rays" then, "setting and sewing.  I left the room, too chicken".  When I asked how he was doing, my Dad's response was "it's definitely harder to watch mom get hurt than to be hurt myself."  My Dad loves my Mom.

I'm extremely grateful, in a world where people are denied the right to marry because of their sexual orientation and when marriage is being taken for granted and abused by many with the right to marry, that my parents not only love each other but take their commitment to each other seriously.  I'm grateful they not only love each other but love each other so strongly, they can't stand to see the other in pain.

While the tip of my Mom's index finger was reattached and the healing has begun, my Dad is still watching out for her, whether she knows it or not.  Because he loves her, for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do they part.  I'm holding them to that last part.  :)

A post about nothing

Words will come back to this space eventually.  Right now they seem to reach the end of my fingertips and just stop.  Or they come out in a jumble of nonsense which I can't make heads or tails of.

In the meantime I have this one check-in.  Worship leadership happened, it was good and I can see filling in again, from time to time and I may, just may, join the team to just help fill out the vocals in a couple of weeks.  There is potential.

I'll see you somewhere down the road...

A post about music

For the first time in months, I pulled my guitar out of the case tonight.  It's been sitting at the foot of my bed for a few weeks, was propped up against the wall before that and did actually get used in December, January and February.  It's just sat, though, for the better part of these last 10 months.  I haven't really wanted to pull the guitar out of the case.  As much as music is a huge part of my connection with God, I just couldn't bring myself to play.  I didn't WANT to play.  I was tired of worship music and grieving leaving a team of people behind that helped me reach God through music on a weekly basis.

The journey of healing, of letting go of the past and looking toward the future has been a tough one on my music oriented soul.  I miss so much of what was and haven't quite found what is yet to be, that place where my soul, music and God meet.  I've had glimpses and moments of connecting, but nothing lasting.  Yet, the healing has begun.

Tomorrow night, I will walk into a church with my guitar, step up to a microphone and prepare with a group of people to lead a congregation in music on Sunday.  I wish, I wish, I could say I am excited but the fog of apathy I've been walking around with when it comes to church for a long time remains.  I'm praying, just for a day, that the fog lifts, that I'll actually feel the connection with God again in worship leadership.  I'm praying I didn't just say yes out of ego or the need for kudos.  I'm praying this was a God lead decision and will be a God lead time.  I'm praying...

A post to begin a blog

One of the things I have learned through my life is to be very careful, moderated, deliberate, thoughtful about what I say.  Be it words on paper, Internet or spoken, I've learned words matter.

One of the things I have learned through my life is my thoughts and ideas are not necessarily others thoughts or ideas.  I have my own set of opinions on life which others may or may not agree with.

One of the things I have learned through my life is I don't like confrontation.  By moderating my words and remembering others think differently than I do, I have found I can usually avoid a LOT of confrontation.

Imagine my surprise, one day, when someone in my life looked at me and said, "You are so confrontational!".  I thought they were being sarcastic for a split second.  They were serious.

I've lived my life working to be open, to be moderate, to keep the peace, to present my case in ways which bring people together, in other words, I've worked really hard all my life to be liked.  To be called confrontational, well, it rocked my world.

Something has happened, between that moment and now.  Actually, many somethings have happened between that moment and now.  Life has changed.  I have changed, though part of me wonders if I have really changed or if I have finally given myself permission to be me.  With all my thoughts, feelings, opinions and words.

The time has come to speak my mind.  The time has come to employ all those attributes of my personality as well as the part of me that is increasingly, well, confrontational.

I begin this new blog, this new space, with a desire to be true to myself, true to my thoughts, feelings and opinions without a desire to please everyone.  I begin this new blog looking down the road, wondering where I am going, appreciative for where I've been, with many, many questions and opinions ready to roll off my tongue...okay, fingertips.  :)